Pyramid Scheme
by animationiscool
Summary: Rocky and Bullwinkle search for valuable, ancient relics. They meet another pair of travellers, and encounter many perils during their adventure.
1. Pyramid Scheme

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Pyramid Scheme or What's for Desert?**

Narrator: It is a beautiful day in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. Our heroes Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose are taking a break from their adventures at a beach near Veronica Lake.

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, do you wanna go fishing with me?

Rocky: We can't go fishing at Veronica Lake. There are No Fishing signs everywhere.

Bullwinkle: I wasn't going to fish at the lake. I'm gonna try to pull a fish out of my hat.

Rocky: You're supposed to try to pull a rabbit out of a hat.

Bullwinkle: Let's see, there's nothin' up my sleeve… and presto!

He pulls a shark out of his hat.

Bullwinkle: No doubt about it, I've gotta-

The shark tries to bite him.

Bullwinkle: -run away as fast as I can!

Narrator: Bullwinkle stupidly jumps in the water and the shark follows him. While the magically inept moose swims for his life, Rocky notices something that is very odd.

Rocky: Bullwinkle, do you notice anything different about this place, besides the fact that there's a shark in fresh water?

Bullwinkle: Hey, I think I've found a bull shark!

Rocky: We're the only ones here! Veronica Lake appears to be deserted for some reason. We should go back to Frostbite Falls to find out why.

* * *

Narrator: Rocky tells Bullwinkle that he can escape from the shark by jumping out of the water. They head back to their hometown and find out that everyone is gathered in a huge crowd.

Rocky: What do you think they're doing?

Bullwinkle: It's probably an angry mob after Captain Peachfuzz. He probably got rid of the phone books again.

Rocky: Why did he confiscate phone books?

Bullwinkle: Peachfuzz saw his name in a phone book and he thought they were spying on him.

Narrator: As they take a closer look, they find the sea captain surrounded by the crowd. But it is surprisingly not an angry mob. In fact, they are actually _cheering _for him. Confused, our heroes ask a certain pair of expert observers, who usually know everything about Frostbite Falls.

Rocky: Hi, Edgar and Chauncey. Can we ask you a question?

Bullwinkle: Which one of you is Chauncey, and which one of you is Edgar?

Edgar: He's Chauncey. He's the short guy in the grey suit with a bowler hat.

Chauncey: Yeah, and he's Edgar. He's the tall guy in the blue suit with a fedora.

Rocky: Bullwinkle, that wasn't what we were going to ask them. We were wondering, why is everyone cheering for Captain Peachfuzz?

Edgar: I know it sounds weird, but the sea captain found valuable artefacts.

Chauncey: Yeah, he found them in a desert somewhere. I think it was in Giza, Egypt.

Rocky: Really? That is weird. Usually he can't even find his own ship. And if he's a sea captain, why would he be in a desert?

Bullwinkle: Rocky, don't you think we should check this place out instead of pointing out plot holes?

Rocky: Yeah, we should find the artefacts before Boris and Natasha can steal them.

* * *

Narrator: And so, Rocky and Bullwinkle set off for Giza, Egypt. They try to sail to Egypt in the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam, a boat they discovered before at Veronica Lake. Their ocean voyage goes smoothly, mainly because Captain Peachfuzz doesn't go with them on the voyage. However, he may show up again later...

Boris Badenov: No, don't say that!

Narrator: In Pottsylvania, no-goodniks Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale are planning a perilous plot for our intrepid travellers.

Natasha Fatale: Boris dollink, have you heard? In our newspaper, The Pottsylvanian Eavesdropper, it says that Captain Peachfuzz found rare artefacts in the Giza Plateau.

Boris: I don't care. He is still an idiot and I hate him, even if he found valuable, priceless treasures.

Fearless Leader: Valuable, priceless treasures? This is great, they will be perfect for my collection!

Narrator: Their boss, Fearless Leader, is always trying to add more and more treasures to his vault.

Fearless Leader: It's kind of a hobby. They are souvenirs from all of the places that I have conquered.

Boris: But boss, you never conquered anything.

Fearless Leader: I know, and it is all your fault! Boris, Natasha, we need to locate the relics before anyone else can find them.

Natasha: But dollink, what about our newest plan to capture Moose and Squirrel?

Fearless Leader: Screw Moose and Squirrel! We can find the treasure first, and capture them later. Besides, they are probably aware of this as well. If we encounter them, you two can get them once and for all!

Boris and Natasha: Yes, boss.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, Rocky and Bullwinkle have reached their shoreline, and travelled further into the sandy dunes of the desert. Unfortunately, even though Peachfuzz wasn't there to "help" them, Bullwinkle isn't exactly bright when it comes to travelling.

Bullwinkle: Or anything, for that matter.

Narrator: As I was saying, instead of going to the Giza Plateau, thanks to Bullwinkle's lack of direction they have ended up in the Mojave Desert instead.

Rocky: This place sure seems familiar.

Bullwinkle: That's not surprising. Everything seems familiar to you.

Rocky: I'm sure that we've been here before... wait a second, we were here before! Bullwinkle, we were lost in the Mojave Desert when we were looking for a mine. It was filled with Upsidasium, and it could float.

Bullwinkle: If we've been here before, then how did we get out?

Rocky: I think we were rescued by Captain Peachfuzz in a helicopter.

Bullwinkle: Captain Peachfuzz? I don't want to get you nervous, Rocky, but if we have to rely on him, we're most likely done for.

* * *

Narrator: As you can see, Rocky and Bullwinkle are once again lost in a vast desert. But they aren't the only ones who are lost here. It turns out the finding of valuable, ancient treasures have spread throughout Frostbite Falls, and a certain pair of inseparable, semi-famous residents have decided to search for the assumed relics.

Edgar: I can't believe it, we're in the wrong desert! Chauncey, why did you ask Peachfuzz for directions? Chauncey, are you listening to me?

Chauncey: Huh? Oh, sorry Edgar, I was looking at something. Does that cactus look familiar to you?

Edgar: Chauncey, this is a _desert_, there are most likely thousands of cacti that can be found here.

Chauncey: Yeah, but this one is different. It kind of looks like a bench. Hey, I think it really is a bench!

Edgar: Wha? No way, it can't be a…wait a minute, you're right!

Narrator: Tired of walking and not being able to sit somewhere while commenting about their surroundings, our heroes, er, observers run for the conveniently placed seat.

Edgar: I've been thinking, is that really a bench?

Chauncey: Of course it is. If it looks like a bench, stands like a bench, and quacks like a bench, then it's probably a bench.

Edgar: That proverb is for ducks.

Chauncey: You've been out in the sun too long. How can ducks have proverbs if they can't even talk?

Narrator: As soon as they sit on the object, they both realize that Chauncey was wrong.

Chauncey: This is by far the most uncomfortable bench ever! Honestly, it feels like this thing is covered with needles.

Edgar: Yeah, it feels sort of like a…

They take a closer look, and find out that it's-

Edgar: ... a cactus!

Narrator: They immediately jump off of the offending flora, and yelp while frantically running around in circles. Coincidentally, they just so happen to bump into our heroes.

Rocky: Bullwinkle, we just bumped into Chauncey and Edgar!

Bullwinkle: Now there is something you don't see every day, Rocky.

Edgar: Hey, that's my line!

Narrator: After arguing about the catchphrase, both parties decide to band together in their search to find the hidden artefacts.

Edgar: It's great that we found some partners to travel with. We're archaeologists, and we're supposed to find out where the relics are located.

Rocky: Do you guys remember the episodes about Upsidasium?

Chauncey: Sure, why do you ask?

Rocky: Well, if I recall, you two were train conductors. Why are you archaeologists now?

Chauncey: We were fired.

Edgar: Yeah, we were constantly losing our train of thought.

Narrator: After that clever yet corny pun, the explorers encounter a vicious sandstorm.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Narrator: Will our heroes and observers be able to escape from the raging sandstorm? Or will they be in for some deep hurting? To find out, be sure to turn in next time for, "Treasury Moose in Action" or "Sand Fernando."


	2. Treasury Moose in Action

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Treasury Moose in Action or Sand Fernando**

Narrator: In the previous segment, our heroes set off on an expedition to locate the site of valuable, ancient relics. Edgar and Chauncey accompany them. While aimlessly wandering across the vast Mojave Desert, they encounter a raging sandstorm!

Bullwinkle: Don't worry guys, I know how we can escape from this sandstorm.

He sticks his head in the sand.

Narrator: While Bullwinkle imitates an ostrich, Rocky, Chauncey, and Edgar avoid the sandstorm by hiding in a large burrow.

Rocky: Shouldn't we tell Bullwinkle to hide with us?

Chauncey: And get stuck in that sandstorm? No way! That thing could last for hours.

Edgar: _Hours_? Chauncey, these episodes are supposed to be 4 minutes long.

Chauncey: Really?!? We should probably save him.

Narrator: The trio save Bullwinkle, the "Treasury Moose in Action", from the sandstorm when they drag him into the large burrow.

Rocky: Bullwinkle, why did you stick your head in the sand?

Bullwinkle: I was imitating an ostrich! They stick their heads in the ground to avoid danger.

Rocky: Ostriches don't stick their heads in the sand. That's a myth.

Bullwinkle: Well the Kirwood Derby was considered to be a myth, and we found it. The Greenpernt Oogle bird, Submerbia, the Treasure of Monte Zoom, and the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam were "myths", too.

They are arguing over the important issue, while the sandstorm continues.

Edgar: Mr. Narrator, could you narrate a different part of the story? This will probably take a while.

Narrator: Yes, that would be a good idea.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, the no-goodniks have reached the Giza plains, where the impressive pyramids are located. At least, I think that's where they are. For some reason, I can't see any pyramids. And where's the Sphinx?

Natasha: We are still in Pottsylvania, Mr. Narrator.

Narrator: You didn't leave yet?!? You are the slowest villains ever!

Fearless Leader: We're not slow! We are late because of Badenov. That numbskull is taking forever to pack everything we need.

Natasha: Boris dollink, we should be going to Egypt now. Do you have everything?

Boris: Yes, I have everything we need in this bag.

Boris has a huge bag that is almost as tall as the Central Control building. Fearless Leader looks through the bag.

Fearless Leader: Let's see, we have explosives, bombs, dynamite, more explosives, nitroglycerin, hydrogen, rubidium, xenon, even more explosives, hushaboom...

Boris: Don't forget the explosives!

Fearless Leader: Badenov, you numbskull! We need important supplies for a desert, like food and water.

Boris: But this stuff is great for getting rid of Moose and Squirrel!

Fearless Leader: We are going there for the rare, priceless treasures first. Then we will have enough money to get rid of Moose and Squirrel.

Natasha: Fearless Leader dollink, I thought you were going to keep the treasures in your vault.

Fearless Leader: I am, we are going to sell counterfeits of the artifacts.

* * *

Narrator: After getting some food and water for their trip-

Boris: And explosives!

Narrator: -our villains begin their expedition of the Egyptian desert. They use the Sub Zero, a Pottsylvanian submarine, to get to the Giza Plains. Upon reaching their destination, they quickly jump out of the sub and explore the vast desert dunes. Eventually, the no-goodniks become tired of searching, and try to look for an outpost. However, they notice something about their surroundings...

Boris: Raskolnikov! We are lost in the middle of the Giza desert, and we still haven't keeled Moose and Squirrel!

Fearless Leader: And we still haven't found the artifacts.

Natasha: Well, there is one good thing to our situation.

Boris and Fearless Leader: What's that?

Natasha: Captain Peachfuzz is not here to bother us.

Narrator: Our villains wander around for a while, when eventually they walk right into an outpost.

Boris: Ow!

He grabs a bomb out of his pocket, and lights the fuse.

Boris: Heheh, I will get a bang out of this.

Fearless Leader: No, you idiot! This could be the only outpost for miles!

Boris: But I already lit the fuse.

Natasha: You could always throw it somewhere else.

Narrator: And so he did. Boris threw the bomb far away to ensure that it doesn't explode on them, like his bombs do in most episodes.

* * *

Narrator: A long distance away, a large crowd of people are gathered around the Sphinx. An archaeologist is making a speech.

Archaeologist: And so, thanks to a lot of hard work and determination, we have finally sculpted a nose back onto the Sphinx!

Crowd: Yay.

Archeologist: You could be more enthusiastic, you know.

He hears something.

Archaeologist: Huh? What's that sound?

Narrator: Boris's bomb lands on the Sphinx, and loses its nose. Again.

Archeologist: Dang it!

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, our heroes have been hiding from the sandstorm. Eventually, the sandstorm subsides. And the argument ended, too.

Bullwinkle: Okay, Rocky, you win. The thing about ostriches is a myth.

Narrator: How did you solve the argument?

Rocky: I told him that Mr. Peabody told me that it's a myth.

Chauncey: Hey guys, check this out!

Edgar: Did you find the treasure?

Chauncey: No, I found some snakes. Aren't they cute? We could have them as pets.

Edgar: Heh, they are are kind of cute. The way they wag their rattles is cute, and... rattles?!?

Narrator: It turns out that the burrow is actually a home to dozens of poisonous rattle snakes! What are the reactions of our heroes and observers?

Chauncey: We're doomed!

Edgar: This bites!

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Bullwinkle: Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

Narrator: Will the explorers escape from the dangerous snake pit? For the biting conclusion, stay tuned next time for, "Watch Out for Snakes!" or "Snakes and Adders".


	3. Dudley DoRight, Water Wheel

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle, and Dudley Do-Right are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

Rocky: And now it's time for a Dudley Do-Right cartoon!

Bullwinkle: What's it about, Rocky?

Rocky: Judging by the title, it has something to do with a water wheel.

Bullwinkle: A water wheel? Oh, it would be great if we had water.

Rocky: Yeah, we're still stuck in the Mojave Desert.

Bullwinkle: I'm gonna try to get some water from that water wheel.

Rocky: You can't do that. It's illogical. The wheel is in a different show, and the show takes place in the nineteenth century.

Bullwinkle: I pull lions, tigers, and rhinos out of my hat. What do I know about logic?

He ignores Rocky and heads for Canada.

**Water Wheel (Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties)**

Dudley Do-Right Narrator: In the Northwest region of Canada, Dudley Do-Right and Nell Fenwick are going for a walk in the Great Canadian Wilderness.

Nell Fenwick: This is a beautiful day to be outdoors, Dudley.

Dudley Do-Right: It sure is, Nell. And there isn't any sign of Snidely, either.

As they walk further into the woods, she notices an isolated building on a nearby hill.

Nell: Dudley, does that saw mill over there look suspicious to you?

Dudley: Well, the idea of a randomly placed saw mill in the deep woods does seem rather odd. But I'm sure it's nothing. After all, it's not like Snidely will kidnap and try to kill you with a saw, right?

Nell: ...how did you get into the RCMP?

Dudley: I don't know.

* * *

Narrator: Thanks to Dudley's complete lack of common sense, they continue and are very close to the new hideout of that vile villain, Snidely Whiplash.

Snidely Whiplash: The saw mill isn't really that new. I tried to trap Nell in here before, but thanks to Dudley the saw turned this place into sawdust. Nevertheless, after hours of work, stealing objects to sell them, and stealing money to buy equipment, I have finally rebuilt this saw mill, and my brilliant plan will not fail this time!

He hears them outside.

Snidely: Speak of the dimwit, they're about to walk right into my trap!

* * *

Narrator: He's right. They are going to walk right into a trap. In fact, Dudley, being the dimwit as he is, literally walks into it.

Dudley: Ow! What was that?

Nell: It appears to be a sign. It says, "Do-Right, go into the saw mill with Nell for a medal. Signed, Inspector Fenwick."

Dudley: That's great! Come on, Nell, lets head for that saw mill!

Nell: You actually believe what that sign says? My father hates giving you medals. Even if he was going to give you one, he wouldn't put up a random sign in the middle of the woods.

Dudley: Don't worry, I'm sure it's safe. I don't see Snidely Whiplash anywhere.

Nell: But he could be in there, waiting for us!

Dudley: Snidely's in the saw mill?!? I have to go in there and arrest him!

* * *

Narrator: Nell reluctantly follows Dudley.

Dudley: Nell, you don't have to enter the saw mill if you don't want to.

Nell. I know, it's just that I'm worried you might cut yourself with the saw.

Snidely: Don't worry, my dear. Dudley doesn't need to be concerned with getting cut. You, on the other hand...

Nell: Oh no, it's Snidely Whiplash!

Snidely: Nyahahahaha! That's right, it is I, Snidely Whiplash! And I am going to tie you to a log headed right for that saw!

Nell: What saw?

Snidely: Are you blind or something? The saw is right over ther- huh?

The saw is missing. Confused and frustrated, he desperately tries to look for it.

Snidely: This is impossible! How can I set up a dangerous trap in a saw mill if I don't have a saw?!?

Narrator: It appears that Snidely sold the saw for money to build his saw mill.

Snidely: Wait here. I need to get my saw back.

Snidely goes out to look for it. Nell attempts to leave, but Dudley doesn't move.

Nell: What are you doing?!? We should leave when we have the chance!

Dudley: But he told us to wait here. And I still didn't get my medal yet.

Narrator: Nell drags Dudley out of the saw mill, and they head back to the RCMP station.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, Snidely comes back shortly after they left. He managed to buy his saw back for his villainous plan.

Snidely: Of course it's villainous. I am the villain, after all.

Narrator: To his shock and dismay, Nell and Dudley are nowhere to be found!

Snidely: Oh, come on! They left before I could saw them in half! Now that is just rude.

He goes outside and wanders around the woods, thinking of a new plan.

Snidely: Hmm... I need something for inspiration.

He happens to walk by a water wheel.

Snidely: I've got it! Instead of tying Nell to the saw mill, I'll tie her to a water wheel. All I need is a w... oh, what the heck, I'll just borrow this one!

Narrator: Now I know what you're thinking. How could Snidely Whiplash "borrow" an entire water wheel? Well, he made a barter with the owner of the contraption, Water Wheel Willie. In exchange for the water wheel, the owner received a bag of "magic beans".

Water Wheel Willie: Are you sure those beans will grow to be a giant magical plant?

Snidely: Sure I'm sure. If it happened in Jack and the Beanstalk, then it can happen to you.

Willie: Really? Okay, I'll take them! This is great, I'm gonna have a giant magic beanstalk!

He runs off to plant the beans.

Snidely: Watch out for giants! Hehe, what a sucker. Dudley isn't the only idiot in this show.

* * *

Narrator: While Snidely sets up a trap involving the machine, Dudley and Nell are still at the station.

Inspector Fenwick: Hello, Nell. Did you and Dudley have a nice walk?

Nell: Yes, father, but we met a terrible villain.

Fenwick: You encountered Snidely Whiplash?!?

Dudley: That's right, sir. How did you know that?

Fenwick: Whiplash is usually the only villain in the show. There isn't really anyone else that Nell could be referring to. Anyway, I am assuming that you did something right and arrested him?

Dudley: No, not really.

Fenwick: What?!? You better have a bloody good reason for not arresting him!

Dudley: I was waiting for Snidely to come back with a saw for his saw mill. He wasn't going to do much with it. If I recall, he was just trying to kill us by sawing us in half. It wasn't a serious offence or anything.

Fenwick: ...Do-Right, can I tell you something?

Dudley: Sure.

Fenwick: You're a twit.

Dudley: I don't know what that means, but does it mean I get my medal?

Fenwick: You're not getting anything unless you arrest him!

Dudley: Yes, sir! Before I leave, I just want to let you know that your sign is still out.

Fenwick: What sign.

Dudley: The one that says I can get a free medal. If you ask me, that's false advertising.

The Mountie rides off on his horse, Horse.

Fenwick: Nell, what was Dudley talking about?

Nell: It's a long story.

* * *

Narrator: The constable continues his search for many hours, in an attempt to find the fiend. He repeatedly stops to ask for directions, and it always happens to be the same person.

Dudley: Good day, sir. Have you seen Snidely Whiplash anywhere? It is my sworn duty to apprehend him.

Snidely: I don't know, sir, heheheh. What does he look like?

Dudley: He's green, wears a black coat and a top hat, and he has a handlebar moustache. Hey, you sort of look like him!

Snidely: Where was the last time you saw him?

Dudley: At the saw mill. Oh, you're saying that I should go the saw mill. Okay, thanks for the help!

He checks the saw mill, and of course it is empty. He rides back to Snidely's water wheel.

Dudley: This is rather disappointing. I didn't find him yet.

Snidely: Try looking there again.

Dudley: Okay, thanks again!

After checking the same area, he comes back.

Dudley: I still failed to find that rotten, no good scoundrel!

Snidely: Thank you for the compliments.

Dudley: What?

Snidely: Nothing. Say, why don't you just ride back and forth until he shows up? And if you don't stop to ask me if I saw him, you might eventually get your man.

Dudley: Thank you, sir. The Mountie always gets his man!

Narrator: And so, Dudley actually does this and repeatedly rides to and from the saw mill.

* * *

Narrator: While Dudley unwittingly shows off stupidity that would make Captain Peachfuzz proud, Whiplash sneaks up on Nell at the station, and kidnaps her!

Nell: Save me, father!

Fenwick: I'd love to, Nell, but that is Dudley's job. After all, he is the title character. You don't see many episodes with me rescuing you.

Nell: Good point.

* * *

Narrator: Upon reaching the mill, Snidely uses his ropes to tie Nell to the water wheel.

Snidely: Nyahahahahha! When this machine starts running, you will repeatedly be dunked into the water!

Nell: That isn't as dangerous as your saw mill.

Narrator: Unfortunately for Nell, a thunderstorm just started. There is an onslaught of thunder and lightning.

Snidely: It is now.

Snidely: If lightning strikes the water, you will be in a huge shock!

Nell: You think this is so funny, don't you?

Snidely: Yes, I do find your situation rather funny. Seeing as your chances of being rescued are hopeless, I'm just going to practice my evil laugh.

Narrator: He starts up the machine, and it revolves a few times. Luckily the water has yet to be struck by lightning.

Nell: Save me, Dudley!

Narrator: Coincidentally, Dudley is riding back from yet another trip to the saw mill. He gets off Horse, who is understandably very tired, to visit Nell.

Dudley: Hi, Nell. What are you doing on that water wheel? That doesn't look very safe.

Nell: I was tied up by Snidely Whiplash, and-

Dudley: It doesn't matter what your excuse is. You should get off of that thing. At even the hint of a thunderstorm, get right out of the water.

Nell: I can't, Snidely tied me to the wheel! Can you help me?

Dudley: Sure! All I need is a book on untying knots. Tying knots is easy, but untying knots is really hard.

Nell: That doesn't make any sense.

Dudley: Well, your current situation current situation doesn't make any sense either.

Narrator: While the Mountie faces the extremely daunting challenge of untying a knot, and Snidely is busy practicing his evil laughter, Horse turns the switch off and unties Nell.

Nell: My hero!

Dudley: Thank you, Nell. I'm glad that I could be of assistance, even if I really didn't do anything.

Nell is actually thanking the horse.

Nell: You're the bravest Mountie ever!

Horse: *neighs*

Narrator: There is a happy ending for our heroes, as they ride off into the sunset. Meanwhile, Whiplash has finally finished practicing evil laughs.

Snidely: Nyahahahaha! Okay, now that I have perfected my obligatory evil laughter, I will finally get rid of y- Hey, where did you go!?!?

He searches for Nell Fenwick.

Snidely: Curses, foiled again! Do-Right saved Nell before I could see her get zapped by lightning! Now that is just rude.

Narrator: He is ironically zapped by lightning.

*ZAP*

Snidely: Things could not possibly get any worse...

Water Wheel Willie shows up.

Willie: Hi, I just wanted to thank you for the beans. They really worked, and I climbed a huge beanstalk! There was a giant, but he was nice and I got a whole bunch of food and treasures. Hey, you don't look too good. Like you were zapped by lightning or something. Not like that's possible, the chances of being struck by lightning are one in three million. Anyway, see ya later!

Snidely: I should have kept the stupid beans. Oh well, since lightning never strikes twice, I will be safe by staying in this exact spot.

*ZAP*

Snidely: I stand corrected. Next time, I'm sticking to using the saw mill.

**The End**

Rocky: Hi, Bullwinkle. What happened to you?

Bullwinkle: I was trying to get some water, but I got stuck in the wheel.

Rocky: You kind of look like a slinky.

Bullwinkle: Really?!? Oh boy, the water wheel turned me into a slinky!

Rocky: That isn't exactly what I meant.

Bullwinkle: I'm going to try going down the stairs.

He ignores Rocky to try his "experiment".

Rocky: The next chapter should be, "Watch Out for Snakes!" or "Snakes and Adders".


	4. Snakes and Adders

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Watch Out For Snakes! Or Snakes and Adders**

Narrator: When we last left Rocky and Bullwinkle, they searched for treasure with Chauncey and Edgar. The explorers found shelter from a sandstorm by hiding in a large burrow. Unfortunately they did not look before they leaped, for they ended up in a snake pit. Now they are surrounded by dozens of venomous rattlesnakes!

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Narrator: Rocky, Edgar, and Chauncey hurriedly climb out of the snake pit to avoid any potential snake bites. However, Bullwinkle wants to try an "experiment" with the rattlers.

Rocky: Hurry, Bullwinkle! Get out of there as fast as you can!

Bullwinkle: But I wanted to show them my famous magic trick!

They drag him out of the burrow.

Bullwinkle: Why did you do that?

Rocky: The snakes were poisonous.

Edgar: And they wouldn't have liked your act anyway. They'd probably think that it bites.

Rocky: You said that pun in "Treasury Moose in Action".

Edgar: I was running out of ideas.

Narrator: The explorers continue their epic expedition.

Rattlesnake 1: Aw, I wanted to sssee Bullwinkle pull a rabbit out of a hat!

Rattlesnake 2: Yeah, we could have sssseen the act up closssse.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, our villains were lost in the Giza desert, and they had finally found an outpost.

Natasha: Who do you think this outpost belongs to?

Boris: Who cares? I am sure that whoever owns this place is an intelligent, reliable person.

Captain Peter "Wrong Way" Peachfuzz: Hi, I'm Captain Peachfuzz. Welcome to my outpost.

Natasha: You were horribly wrong.

Boris: Oh no, _you're_ the owner of this outpost?!?

Peachfuzz: Yes sir, I'm the proud owner of this place! Isn't it great?

Boris: No, this place looks like a dump.

Peachfuzz: Thanks for the compliments! Now don't worry, I'll be back with some food and water.

He goes out into the desert to look for food and water.

Boris: Knowing him, he'll hopefully get lost somewhere.

Natasha: Boris dollink, do you notice something odd?

Boris: You mean Captain Peachfuzz?

Natasha: No. I can't find Fearless Leader.

Boris: We should look for him, and make sure that he doesn't get lost!

Natasha: Don't worry, dollink. He is very smart, and will show up sooner or later.

Boris: You're right, he is even smarter than I am!

Natasha: That is not a huge accomplishment.

Boris: What are you talking about?!? I am Fearless Leader's best and brightest henchman.

Natasha: Oh, really? Then what is a famous landmark in this desert?

Boris: That's easy. The most famous landmark here is Stonehenge!

Narrator: After Boris fails at geography, the dastardly duo search for their boss.

Boris: Where the heck is our boss?!?

Fearless Leader: Boris, Natasha, I found something!

Narrator: After hours of searching, it turns out that their boss has been digging for treasure. He was digging a metre away from the outpost.

Natasha: You dug a lot of holes. Which one are you working on?

Fearless Leader: The one right in front of you.

There is a huge, deep hole in front of them, where Fearless Leader is still digging for the artefacts.

Natasha: Oh no, you are stuck in the hole!

Boris: Don't worry, boss! You can get out of there by digging upwards!

Fearless Leader climbs out of the hole, and he is holding a stone object.

Natasha: You did all of that digging to find a rock?

Boris: And it's really weird and pointy, like an arrow. And it isn't even big enough to throw at Moose and Squirrel!

Fearless Leader: Shut up, you idiots! This is not a rock. It is a valuable arrowhead.

Boris: So what? It is a pointy, tiny arrow. It probably isn't worth anything. Digging around here would be pointless.

Fearless Leader: This arrowhead could be worth a fortune. It could be thousands, or even millions of years old. This area might be where the captain found the artefacts.

Boris: What are we waiting for? Let's get some artefacts!

He picks up a shovel and starts to dig.

Narrator: While Captain Peachfuzz goes exploring, the no-goodniks dig up the entire outpost.

* * *

Narrator: Speaking of Captain Peachfuzz, Boris was actually right. He did get lost somewhere. Where he is lost is debatable, because he is wandering in the middle of the vast desert.

Peachfuzz: Hmm. I appear to be lost. That's not a problem. I should easily be able to find the outpost with my excellent sense of direction.

Narrator: Obviously, he is in denial. It is a well known fact that Captain Peachfuzz is the worst navigator in the history of Frostbite Falls. Speaking of "denial", he just so happens to find the Nile River, heheh.

Peachfuzz: I don't get it.

Narrator: Why aren't I surprised?

Peachfuzz: Hey, I can ask that friendly looking snake for directions. Hi, do you know where to find an outpost? It's small, and there are three familiar looking people there. I don't remember their names.

Adder: *hissss*

* * *

Narrator: In the Mojave Desert, our heroes and observers continue their trek across the barren terrain. Yes, they are definitely lost in the barrens.

Bullwinkle: Hey Rocky, did you find the treasure yet?

Rocky: No.

*a few seconds later*

Bullwinkle: Hey Edgar, did you find the treasure yet?

Edgar: No.

*a few more seconds later*

Bullwinkle: Hey Chauncey, did you find the treasure yet?

Chauncey: No! Bullwinkle, you can be such an idiot at times. First you try to entertain deadly rattlesnakes, and now this!

Rocky: You're being kind of harsh.

Edgar: Yeah, and you're not much better. You thought that a cactus was a bench.

Chauncey: It was a mirage! Anyway, I'm sorry if I snapped, Bullwinkle. It's just that those vultures flying over us are creeping me out.

Rocky: Vultures?!?

Narrator: First a sandstorm, then some rattlesnakes, and now vultures! Our explorers can't seem to get a break, can they? Will our heroes and explorers be able to get to the Giza desert, and avoid being pecked at by vultures? Will the villains find the treasures before they do? And will Captain Peachfuzz be smart enough to safely find his way back to his outpost? To see the conclusions of all of these cliffhangers, be sure to stay tuned for, "Buzz Off, Buzzards!" or "I can't Believe I Dug the Hole Thing".


	5. I can't Believe I Dug the Hole Thing

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions**

**Buzz Off, Buzzards! Or I can't Believe I Dug the Hole Thing**

Narrator: In the previous segment, our heroes and observers escaped from a pit filled with venomous snakes. Then they continued to try to find their boat, the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam, to sail from the Mojave Desert to the Giza Desert. Hoever, they have just encountered yet another obstacle, for they are being circled by vultures!

Rocky: Hokey Smoke! Let's get out of here!

Chauncey: But how do we escape?

Edgar: That's easy. Run as fast as you can.

Bullwinkle: Let's split up, gang!

Rocky: Um, Bullwinkle, splitting up in a huge desert isn't exactly a good idea.

Chauncey: Yeah, we could get lost. Well, even more lost than we already are.

Bullwinkle: All right then. What do you think we should do, Rocky?

Rocky: I agree with Edgar. Run as fast as you can.

Bullwinkle: Sounds like a good plan.

Edgar: I'd hate to interrupt, but can we get moving? They're starting to swoop down on us.

Narrator: He's right. Not only are the vultures circling around them, they're also getting closer and closer!

Bullwinkle: Run for the hills!

Chauncey: What hills?

Bullwinkle: Uh, run for the dunes!

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, Captain Peachfuzz asked someone for directions. Being the idiot that he is, the captain asks a deadly, venomous adder.

Captain Peachfuzz: So, what's your name?

Adder: *hissss*

Peachfuzz: Hi, Mr. Hissss. Have you seen any outposts anywhere?

Adder: *hissss*

Peachfuzz: Uh, I already know your name. What I really want to know is if you've seen my outpost.

Adder: *hisssssssss*

Pechfuzz: Huh? I don't get it. What are you trying to say?

Adder: *HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!*

Peachfuzz: Nope, sorry. I don't have a clue what you're trying to tell me. I don't speak... what language are you using?

Adder: *...hiss?*

Peachfuzz: Yeah, well, thanks for the help, Mr. Hissss. I'm sure that I can find my place somewhere. Hmm, he must be speaking in tongues, or using an ancient language or something.

Narrator: Captain Peachfuzz continues his search to find his tiny outpost. Frustrated, the snake slithers away, thoroughly annoyed by the sea captain's stupidity.

Adder: If you asssk me, thisss guy issn't worth the effort.

* * *

Narrator: Shortly after the no-goodniks dig up the entire area, "Wrong Way" somehow finds his way back. There are huge holes everywhere from all of that digging, so chances are-

Peachfuzz: Hi, guys! Sorry I'm late, I kinda got lost somehow. So, what are you guys do-ahhh!

*thud*

Narrator: -he'll fall in a hole.

Captain Peachfuzz climbs out of the hole.

Peachfuzz: Huh, that was weird. Anyway, I- hey, what's with the holes all over my outpost?

Boris: Hehheh, what holes?

Peachfuzz: The really big ones, like the one I just fell in. Hmm, you guys are carrying shovels, and are covered in sand and dirt. I think that this can only mean one thing...

The villains whisper to each other.

Fearless Leader: This should be good.

Boris: But boss, if he finds out what we did, he'll probably kick us out.

Fearless Leader: Badenov, this is Captain Peachfuzz we're talking about here.

Boris: That's true. We have nothing to worry about, right, Natasha?

Natasha: ...

Boris: Natasha?

Natasha: Oh, sorry dollink. I was just shocked that he actually thinks.

* * *

Narrator: While the sea captain is "thinking," our heroes and observers are trying to escape from the carnivorous condors.

Chauncey: Does that boat look familiar to you?

Edgar: Chauncey, you're seeing mirages again. I'll bet five bucks on that.

Chauncey: No, I really see a boat.

Edgar: Yeah, sure, just like when you saw the "bench".

Rocky: Hokey Smoke! That's our ship, the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam!

Chauncey: Ha, I was right! You owe me five bucks.

Edgar: I didn't bring any money.

Chauncey: Okay, when we find the treasure you owe me five bucks.

Narrator: When they almost reach the safety of the boat, the vultures land in front of them.

Buzzard: Hey, you!

Bullwinkle: Who, us?

Buzzard: Yeah, you. We've been lookin' for you varmints. Yer on a whole bunch of wanted posters.

Rocky: Who are you?

Buzzard: I'm Blaster Buzzard, she's Connie Condor, and he's Vinnie Vulture.

Connie Condor: An' we're gonna take you in!

Rocky: Did Boris and Natasha hire you?

Blaster Buzzard: No, I don't reckon ever hearing of them.

Vinnie Vulture: A really short guy with glasses told us to take care of yous. I think his name was Mr. Big or somethin'.

Connie Condor: Y'all look just like y' do in the wanted posters.

Blaster Buzzard: We're in luck, too. We found all of you varmints in one day! In fact, we did so much searching that we're feeling mighty hungry right now...

Narrator: Yep, I reckon our explorers are in a heap o trouble now.

Connie Condor:We use the Western cowboy slang, not you.

Narrator: Oh, sorry. Rocky comes up with a diversionary tactic.

Rocky: Look, it's a snake wearing a football helmet!

Blaster Buzzard: Really?!? Oh, I've gotta see this! Now you outlaw varmints better wait for us to come back, or y'all be in a heap of trouble.

They fly away to see the "snake".

Edgar: Thank you, Rocky.

Chauncey: Yeah, we'll be in the Giza Desert when they come back.

They all start to get on the boat, except Bullwinkle.

Rocky: Hurry, Bullwinkle! They'll be back sooner or later.

Bullwinkle: But we're supposed to wait for them! Leaving would be rude. And I wanted to see the snake wearing a football helmet.

Narrator: The explorers drag Bullwinkle onto the Ruby Yacht before the birds come back, and sail for Egypt.

* * *

Narrator: Speaking of Egypt, that's where our villains and the sea captain are located. Peachfuzz was pondering about what happened to his precious, run down outpost.

Peachfuzz: I've got it! I know exactly what happened. This outpost was ravaged by giant killer rabbits!

The villains stare at him.

Peachfuzz: Or mabye it was invaded by mole people?

They try not to laugh.

Peachfuzz: Or it could have been searched by bandits or something.

Boris: Hahahahaha! Wait, that one actually made sense.

Fearless Leader: Indeed, a group of "bandits" tried to rob your place. Isn't that right, Natasha?

Natasha: Yes, that was exactly what happened. Isn't that right, Boris dollink?

Boris: Well actually we dug the h-

They nudge him.

Boris: Ow! What I meant to say is, what they just said is the truth. Heheheh...

Peachfuzz: Okay, I'll just ignore your evil, scheming laugh and believe everything you tell me.

Fearless Leader: Yes, you do that. The bandits could have easily stolen your artefacts. I suggest that you show us exactly where the treasures are located, so we can keep them safe for you.

Peachfuzz: Okay, that's a great idea!

Narrator: Obviously, Fearless Leader's "suggestion" isn't exactly a good idea. It may be good for the villains, but it sure isn't for the cloddish sea captain. Nor is it good for our heroes.

* * *

Narrator: Speaking of our heroes, they had just arrived in Egypt with Chauncey and Edgar.

Rocky: We did it! We're finally in the Giza Desert!

Bullwinkle: Not only that, but we have a friendly visitor to welcome us.

Narrator: The visitor appears to be an ominous looking shadow. Who or what is this shadowy figure? Could it be Mr. Big? If it is him, how could he travel from the Mojave Desert to here so fast? And will Captain Peachfuzz reveal the treasure's location to the notorious no-goodniks? To see the conclusions, and a possible plot hole, stay tuned for, "Tomb Service" or "I Spy a Spy".


	6. Mr Peabody, The Sphinx

Rocky: And now it's time for a Mr. Peabody cartoon!

Bullwinkle: What's the episode about, Rocky?

Rocky: The title is, "The Sphinx".

Bullwinkle: Okay, but what's it about?

Rocky: The Sphinx.

Bullwinkle: Rocky, I already know the title. What is it about?

Rocky: ...This could take a while. Instead of listening to us argue, here's something we hope you'll really like.

**The Sphinx (Peabody's Improbable History)**

Mr. Peabody: Hello, Peabody here. Sherman and I are planning to witness the construction of the Sphinx.

Sherman: Wow, we're going to Egypt?

Mr. Peabody: Indeed, well actually we are going to Ancient Egypt to be exact. All we have to do is set the WAYBAC machine to thousands of years ago, and we will be there before you can say sarcophagus.

Sherman: Sarcophagus!

Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you.

* * *

Peabody Narrating: Sherman set the WAYBAC machine for Ancient Egypt in the Giza Plateau. When we got there, there was something evidently wrong from the get go.

Mr. Peabody: I smell foul play, Sherman.

Sherman: Really? I don't smell anything. I have a lot of sand up my nose.

Mr. Peabody: Speaking of noses, there is the Sphinx right over there. Of course, it is not really complete yet. Although, there is something that is slightly off about it...

Peabody Narrating: We moved closer to the historical landmark to find out what the problem was.

Mr. Peabody: Upon closer inspection-

Sherman: These are loafers?

Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you.

Peabody Narrating: Upon closer inspection, the Sphinx was more than slightly off. It was way off from what it is supposed to resemble.

Mr. Peabody: Egad! The Sphinx resembles... it resembles...

Sherman: It looks like you!

Peabody Narrating: Sherman was right. The body of the landmark was normal, but the head was shaped to resemble my own.

Sherman: You know, even though this can alter history, it's kind of neat that you're so well liked you even have fans from thousands of years ago.

Mr. Peabody: Indeed. Why, there are the people who built the Sphinx over there.

Peabody Narrating: We actually met the two people before. They were King Cheops and Ahmed Fex, who were in the episode about the Great Pyramid.

King Cheops and Ahmed Fex: Hi, Mr. Peabody!

Mr. Peabody: Hello, gentlemen. I noticed your efforts on the Sphinx statue.

King Cheops: Ah, you noticed our modifications to the statue. You see, we were very really grateful for how you helped us earlier.

Ahmed Fex: Yeah, you were a big help with our pyramid. You showed us that the pyramid was upside down, and helped us fix it. If I recall, the blueprints were upside down, so we looked at it the wrong way.

Mr. Peabody: I really appreciate this, but we'll have to change it back to its normal appearance. If we don't do this, it will change the course of history.

King Cheops: If you insist. We will help you fix the statue, so the course of history will not be damaged.

Ahmed Fex: And we were getting kind of bored after building everything.

* * *

Peabody Narrating: The four of us started to work on the project. Although I admit, the statue of me was rather impressive. Not to mention intelligent, charming, adventurous-

Sherman: Mr. Peabody, could you stop narrating for a minute and help us with the statue?

Mr. Peabody: Oh, I am terribly sorry.

Peabody Narrating: When we finished building the statue, it turned out that we made a mistake. The head was normal, but the body looked like mine.

Ahmed Fex: We even sculpted his bow tie.

Peabody Narrating: After our second attempt, the entire statue was modeled after my appearance. It was incredible, and-

Sherman: Um, Mr. Peabody, could you help me?

He is trying to carry one of the huge limestone blocks.

Mr. Peabody: My apologies, Sherman.

*hours later*

King Cheops: We did it! We have rebuilt the pyramid!

Ahmed Fex: You mean the Sphinx.

King Cheops: Yes, I... Oh no, we have been working on the wrong monument!

Peabody Narrating: As you can imagine, we were getting very tired. For some unfathomable reason we rebuilt the Great Pyramid. And it was upside down. Again. After having to make the pyramid right side up, again, the next task at hand was the Great Sphinx of Giza, which was giving us great frustration.

Sherman: The Sphinx doesn't seem to look like great.

Mr. Peabody: That's because the head is all wrong. This time, the head looks like Captain Peachfuzz.

Sherman: So you're saying that it doesn't have a good head on its shoulders.

Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you.

They finished working on the statue again, and are observing it.

King Cheops: Ahmed, are we upside down right now?

Ahmed Fex: No, sire. Why do you ask?

King Cheops: For some reason, it looks...

The Sphinx is standing on its head.

Ahmed Fex: Upside down, sire?

King Cheops: ...yes.

Mr. Peabody looks at the diagram.

Mr. Peabody: We were reading the blueprints upside down.

* * *

Peabody Narrating: After yet another attempt, we finally correctly assembled the Great Sphinx of Giza.

Sherman: We did it! The Sphinx looks great now.

Mr. Peabody: Indeed it does, Sherman. Although there is a small inaccuracy.

Sherman: What's that, Mr. Peabody?

Mr. Peabody: The nose is supposed to be missing. But I know how we can fix that.

* * *

Peabody Narrating: Sherman and I carried out our plan by participating in a game of fetch.

Mr. Peabody: Here Sherman, here boy! Go get the frisbee.

The boy runs after the frisbee, and brings it back to the dog.

Mr. Peabody: Of course, you wouldn't expect _me _to be running after a round piece of plastic, would you?

Peabody Narrating: I aimed it at the exact trajectory and angle needed for it to collide at the precise area. After throwing it with a great deal of momentum, the frisbee somehow broke the nose off the statue. Although I am still at a loss for words for a possible explanation as to how plastic can break limestone.

Mr. Peabody: Now it looks perfect. I am sorry if the broken nose is an inconvenience. You see, in future photographs this part always appears to be missing.

King Cheops: We understand. Thank you for the help, Mr. Peabody and Sherman. I know exactly what to do with the nose.

Ahmed Fex: Keep it safe and secure with other items of significant historical value?

King Cheops: No, actually I was thinking about using it as a paperweight.

* * *

Peabody Narrating: As we headed for home, I explained to Sherman about how the Sphinx always seems to have its nose missing, and the most probable reason why this is so.

Mr. Peabody: ...In conclusion, the Sphinx continues to have a missing nose to this day.

Sherman: Why's that, Mr. Peabody?

Mr. Peabody: The designers would have to pay through the nose to get it fixed.

**The End**

Bullwinkle: Gosh, Rocky, I know the title, but _what is this episode about_?

Rocky: Hokey Smoke! It's about the Sphinx. You know, the lion statue in Egypt?

Bullwinkle: Oh, that makes sense. I... aahhh, a mummy!

He runs off the stage. Mr. Peabody shows up, and Sherman wrapped up in duct tape.

Sherman: What do you think of my mummy costume?

Mr. Peabody: I would say that it Sphinx, Sherman.

Rocky: The next episode will be, "Tomb Service" or "I Spy a Spy".


	7. Tomb Service

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by** **Jay Ward Productions.**

**Tomb Service or I Spy a Spy**

Narrator: When we last left our heroes, they had finally sailed to the Giza desert with their fellow explorers, Edgar and Chauncey. After encountering a sandstorm, venomous snakes, and a trio of birds of prey, you'd think that they would get a break. Well if that creepy, ominous shadow is any indication, they sure aren't getting one now as they appear to be standing face to face with Fearless Leader's greatest henchman, Mr. Big!

Bullwinkle: You mean Fearless Leader's _smallest_ henchman.

Rocky: You probably shouldn't say that.

Bullwinkle: Why? It's true, he's a few inches tall.

Rocky: He'll be furious, and will try to get rid of us.

Edgar: There's no chance of that happening. The shadow in front of us is a cardboard cutout.

Narrator: He's right. The "shadowy figure" is actually a black piece of cardboard that resembles Mr. Big's shadow.

Bullwinkle: Really? But I was sure it was him.

Edgar: You were looking at the back of the cutout.

Chauncey: Wow, and I thought I needed glasses.

They find a note next to the cutout. Rocky picks up the letter.

Rocky: "Dear Moose and Squirrel. If you are reading this note, you have survived my posse of predatory birds. This message will self destruct. Bomb Voyage, Moose and Squirrel, and don't come back! Signed, Mr. Big. PS, eheheheh, eheheh, eheh."

Chauncey: He actually wrote his evil laugh?

Edgar: Now that's dedication.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Chauncey: I know, writing your own laugh is weird, right?

Edgar: He was talking about, "This message will self destruct".

Rocky: Yeah, it's gonna explode on us!!

He gives it to Bullwinkle.

Rocky: Hurry, Bullwinkle!

Bullwinkle: I'll throw it as fast as I can!

Narrator: And so, the moose uses his strong mooscles to fold the note into a paper airplane and send it flying.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, the archaeologist from "Treasury Moose in Action" is once again surrounded by a large audience around the Sphinx.

Archaeologist: After the explosive incident, we have successfully put the Sphinx's nose back on again!

Crowd: Yay.

Archaeologist: Your overall enthusiasm is obviously lacking.

Narrator: While the archaeologist is stating the obvious, he is oblivious to a certain paper airplane.

Archaeologist: Why should I care about that?

Narrator: The paper airplane self destructs when it collides with the Sphinx's nose. Guess what happens.

*BOOM*

Archaeologist: ...Why me?

* * *

The explorers are wandering around the Nile River. Suddenly, the narrator has something important to say.

Narrator: Watch out for snakes!

Rocky: We were already in an episode about snakes. It was, "Watch out for Snakes! Or Snakes and Adders".

Narrator: I know, but there's an adder right in front of you!

Adder: *Hissssssssss*

Bullwinkle: Hi, Mr. Hissssssssss!

Adder: Oh no, not another idiot! You're probably a friend of that ssstupid sssailor.

Horrified, he slithers away from them as fast as he can.

Rocky: Captain Peachfuzz was definitely here before.

* * *

Narrator: Speaking of Captain Peachfuzz, Fearless Leader conned the sailor into showing him where the treasure is located.

Fearless Leader: That's right! The artefacts will finally be mine, all mine!!

Captain Peachfuzz: Uh, what about me?

Fearless Leader: My minions will shove you into the tomb and we will ignore you.

Peachfuzz: Oh, okay. Have fun with your treasure!

Narrator: Completely unaware of the horrible fate that they have in store for him, the sea captain leads our villains into the ancient treasure trove.

Peachfuzz: What's a treasure trove? I thought this was a tomb.

Narrator: It's a location that can have jewels, artefacts, any type of valuable. As I was saying, to the surprise of our villains, they see...

Natasha: Rare, priceless artefacts!

Boris: That is surprising. I was sure it would be empty, like the captain's head.

Peachfuzz: Help yourselves. It's great to have great friends like you guys.

The trio immediately take all of the tomb's contents, and roll a heavy boulder in front of the entrance.

Peachfuzz: Haha, that's a good prank, guys. Could you please move the boulder so I can get out of here?

They completely ignore him and head for Pottsylvania.

Peachfuzz: ...uh, guys?

* * *

Narrator: Fortunately for Captain Peachfuzz, our heroes coincidentally arrive at this area soon after the villains leave.

Bullwinkle: You mean we're going to be deus ex machinas.

Peachfuzz: I don't know what that means, but can you help me?

Bullwinkle: Sure we can! I'm Mr. Know it All, and I can do anything!

Peachfuzz: Even moving a huge boulder out of the way?

Bullwinkle: Sure. I'll call this episode, "How to move a boulder and not take things for granite".

Edgar: Nice title.

Bullwinkle: Thank you.

Edgar: That was sarcasm.

Bullwinkle: I have no idea what you're talking about, but I've got some rescuing to do.

He tries to ram into the rock with his antlers. It rolls backwards and rolls over him.

*squish*

Chauncey: You look as flat as a pancake!

Rocky: So much for your episode about your episode of "Mr. Know it All".

Bullwinkle: Yeah, I guess it went kind of flat.

Narrator: The heroic yet moronic actions of the mashed moose save Captain Peachfuzz from being trapped in a situation that was entirely his fault.

Peachfuzz: Thanks, Mr. Know it All!

Bullwinkle: At least someone doesn't take me for granite.

* * *

Narrator: The five explorers continue their epic expedition. The villains, exhausted from carrying the heavy artefacts, stopped for a break behind a pyramid.

Natasha: I hear Moose and Squirrel, Chauncey and Edgar, and Captain Peachfuzz.

Boris: This will be great. Not only will we keel Moose and Squirrel, we'll keel their stupid friends!

* * *

Narrator: Completely oblivious to the trap that awaits them, our heroes, observers, and idiot cross paths with a shady scientist.

"Archaeologist" (Fearless Leader): I am Fearless-

Rocky: Leader?

Archeologist (Fearless Leader): Er, no. I am Dunstan Ramses, a fearless archaeologist.

Rocky: Are you sure about that? You look awfully familiar.

"Dunstan Ramses": Are you implying that I don't even know my own _name_?!? I'm not Captain Peachfuzz.

Rocky: Sorry. Wait a minute, if you're not Fearless Leader, then how do you know Captain Peachfuzz?

Peachfuzz: I have instant name recognition!

Fearless Leader: I, er... heard about his discovery of priceless artefacts. I was wondering, could I travel with you, and help you find them?

Edgar: That sounds reasonable. Rocky, it might be a good idea to travel with him. Chauncey and I are archaeologists, too, and he could help us out.

Rocky: All right, Mr. Ramses, but I'm keeping an eye on you.

Fearless Leader: You'll most likely want to keep an eye on the quicksand.

All: Quicksand?!?

Narrator: Yes, quicksand. While Fearless Leader was distracting them, they have started to sink into the sinister substance. Will our explorers be able to escape yet another perilous...

Bullwinkle: Peril.

Narrator: ...fine, peril. Stay tuned next time for, "The Quicksand and the Dead" or "That Sinking Feeling".


	8. Mr Peabody, Wells Fargo

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle, and Mr. Peabody are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

Rocky: And now it's time for another Mr. Peabody episode!

Bullwinkle: That's great! Where are they going this time, Rocky?

Rocky: He said they're going to the Old West.

Bullwinkle: How is that possible? The Old West was more than a hundred years ago.

Rocky: You're kidding, right?

Bullwinkle: No. If I were kidding, I would have said we're not stuck in quicksand.

Rocky: Bullwinkle, Mr. Peabody and Sherman have the WAYBAC machine. It's a time machine. They use it in _every _episode to go back in time, and-

Bullwinkle: Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

Rocky: -your attention span is terrible.

Bullwinkle: Nothin' up my sleeve, and presto!

The moose sticks his hand in the hat, but he is sucked in. Rocky looks inside the hat to find out what happened.

Rocky: Quicksand. That actually kind of makes sense.

**Wells Fargo (Peabody's Improbable History)**

Mr. Peabody: Hello, Peabody here. Today Sherman and I are about to witness some tales of Wells Fargo.

Sherman: But Mr. Peabody, I thought we're supposed to go on adventures about real events?

Mr. Peabody: We are not going to a Western. Wells Fargo is actually a real company. Sherman, set the WAYBAC machine for 1848 in the Old West.

* * *

Peabody Narrating: Sherman and I arrived at the correct time period, but we appeared in the middle of nowhere. We wandered, or "drifted" across the prairie. Eventually, we happened to come across a ghost town.

Mr. Peabody: This is quite a ghost town.

Sherman: You mean this place is crawling with ghosts?!

Mr. Peabody: No. A ghost town is a sparsely populated town or village. Some of them are even completely abandoned.

They search for inhabitants.

Sherman: Wow, this place is emptier than Captain Peachfuzz's head!

Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you.

Peabody Narrating: We then started to head for the soon to be headquarters of Wells Fargo. Then we were suddenly confronted by an outlaw!

Outlaw: Who in the Sam Hill are you?!?

Sherman: Uh, my name isn't Sam Hill, sir. It's Sherman. And he's Mr. Peabody.

Mr. Peabody: "Sam Hill" is an expression.

Sherman: What does it mean, Mr. Peabody?

Mr. Peabody: I'll tell you when you're older.

Outlaw: You must be drifters or somethin'.

Mr. Peabody: No, that would be a drifter.

A cowboy somehow floats past them.

Drifter: Howdy, y'all!

Outlaw: Well, I guess it don't matter who you are, just so long as you don't try to arrest me.

Sherman: Arrest you?

Outlaw: Yeah, there's a whole bunch of wanted posters of me everywhere. More than you can shake a stick at. No offence, dog.

Mr. Peabody: None taken.

Outlaw: There's one right behind you.

They turned around and see a wanted poster that says, "Wanted, Dead or Alive: Outlaw Lawson".

Mr. Peabody: No offence, but informing new acquaintances of your criminal record isn't exactly a bright idea.

Lawson: None taken.

Mr. Peabody: Do you know where we can find San Francisco?

Lawson: Sure, San Francisco is on the other side of that valley. In fact, I'm going there, too.

Mr. Peabody: Thank you, sir.

Lawson: Much obliged. Now, if you excuse me, I've got some mighty important stealin', uh, business to attend to. Hyahaha...

* * *

Peabody Narrating: Of course, Outlaw Lawson's plans were rather suspicious.

Mr. Peabody: I smell foul play, Sherman.

Sherman:Do you think he's up to something?

Mr. Peabody: Indeed. If someone concludes their statement with evil laughter, then they are most definitely up to something.

Sherman: How are we going to catch up to him?

Mr. Peabody: We'll use an iron horse.

Sherman: Huh?

Mr. Peabody: An iron horse isn't technically a horse. It is Western slang for a train or locomotive.

Sherman: Oh, that makes sense.

Peabody Narrating: On our way to San Francisco, we conveniently found a train station.

Sherman: Which is good because we're only supposed to be here for five minutes.

Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you.

Train Conductor: Howdy!

Sherman: Hi, Mr. Conductor!

Train Conductor: My name is Sam Hill, and I can take you to San Francisco.

Sherman: What does Sam Hill mean?

Sam Hill: Uh, you can find out when when you're older.

* * *

Peabody Narrating: We took the train or "iron horse" to San Francisco to establish Wells Fargo and find out what Outlaw Lawson is scheming.

Mr. Peabody: Thank you, Sam Hill.

Sam Hill: See y'all later.

Sherman: Do you think that a kid and a talking dog are weird passengers?

Sam Hill: Kind of, but my friend in Canada regularly sees a guy who ties people to railroad tracks, and a Mountie who rides his horse backwards.

* * *

Mr. Peabody: Once we arrived at our destination, we questioned the founders of the company of Lawson's whereabouts.

Henry Wells: Are you the new Sheriff and Deputy?

Sherman: No, not really.

Mr. Peabody: Sherman and I are time travellers from the future. We came here to help establish the Wells Fargo Company and arrest an outlaw.

William Fargo: Hey, that sounds like a good name for our business.

Henry Wells: Yeah, it has both of our names in it.

Sherman: So, did you see a guy named Lawson anywhere?

William Fargo: He stole all of the gold from the local bank. We're not sure where he went, but I think he said something about a sawmill.

Henry Wells: And of course, everyone is thoroughly upset about this.

Sherman: Because the gold is valuable?

Henry Wells: Yes, and the gold were really good paperweights.

* * *

Peabody Narrating: Sherman and I searched for the stolen gold in an abandoned sawmill. We were quite prepared for this because of our posse. Our "posse" consisted of a grand total of two people. To be precise, it consisted of one person and a dog. When we entered the run-down building we saw a villainous character.

Snidely Whiplash: I am going to tie Nell to a log in this sawmill! Nyahahahaha!

Peabody Narrating: Not that villainous character.

Snidely: Well, if it isn't Mr. Peabody and Sherman.

Mr. Peabody: Mr. Whiplash, this is not the Northwest region of Canada. This is San Francisco.

Snidely: Really?! Oh curses, foiled again!

He heads for a sawmill in the Northwest region of Canada.

Outlaw Lawson: That guy was creepy.

Sherman: You're under arrest, Outlaw Lawson!

Lawson: A little kid and a talking dog don't scare me one bit.

Peabody Narrating: The criminal attempted to leave or "make tracks" with the stolen gold, but he tripped and fell into a well. I promptly informed the authorities.

Mr. Peabody: Pardon me, Sheriff and Deputy, but there is a thief named Timmy, er, Lawson, who is stuck in a well.

Sheriff: That's mighty important news.

Deputy: Yeah, we have to save the paperweights.

* * *

Peabody Narrating: The authorities returned the gold to the city, and Wells Fargo was created to store the gold. This was also very helpful during the California Gold Rush, which was coincidentally discovered in the same area.

Snidely: Drat! I should have stolen some before leaving.

Sherman: Mr. Peabody, was the company really created when some guy got stuck in a well?

Mr. Peabody: No. But this alteration does result in a fitting proverb.

Sherman: What's that?

Mr. Peabody: All's well that ends well.

**The End**

Rocky: The next episode will be "The Quicksand and the Dead" or "That Sinking Feeling".


	9. That Sinking Feeling

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**The Quicksand and the Dead or That Sinking Feeling**

When we last left our heroes, they rescued Captain Peachfuzz from being trapped in a tomb. This predicament was entirely his fault because he fell for Fearless Leader's evil plan. They saved him when Bullwinkle-

Bullwinkle: You mean Mr Know it All.

Narrator: Fine. _Mr. Know it All _tried to move a boulder out of the entrance. But his efforts turned out to be flat because the boulder rolled over the moose and made him look like a pancake.

Bullwinkle: At least my plan worked.

Fearless Leader: You may have foiled my first trap. But you will never escape this one!

Narrator: Fearless Leader disguised himself as a "fearless archaeologist" named Dunstan Ramses.

Bullwinkle: Mr. Ramses, could you help us get out of this quicksand?

Rocky: Bullwinkle, he's Fearless Leader.

Bullwinkle: Don't be ridiculous, Rocky. His name is Dunstan Ramses, the fearless archaeologist.

Captain Peachfuzz: I agree with Bullwinkle!

Rocky: You two didn't hear the "disguise" part.

Bullwinkle: Don't worry, Mr. Ramses. My friend Rocky is kind of paranoid and suspicious about everyone who looks familiar.

Rocky: *thinking* _He never listens to me..._

Fearless Leader: I would love to "help" you, but I have to, er, save some poor defenceless artefacts from being stolen.

Narrator: And off he went to save the inanimate objects.

Edgar: Lucky artefacts...

Chauncey: This is something you don't see every day.

Edgar: That's my line.

Rocky: Um, guys? Shouldn't we be thinking about the quicksand?

Chauncey and Edgar: Good point.

Rocky: I think I know how we can escape. Bullwinkle, I'll need to use your antlers.

Rocky grabs one of Bullwinkle's antlers and anchors it to a nearby cactus. Rocky, Edgar, Chauncey, and Captain Peachfuzz escape the quicksand by walking on the moose, and they help Bullwinkle get out, too.

Bullwinkle: Gosh, did you guys have to walk all over me?

* * *

Narrator: While our heroes escaped from the quicksand, the tomb robbers make off with the artefacts. The villains explored the Giza desert, had to stay with Captain Peachfuzz at an outpost, and "excavated" an ancient tomb.

Fearless Leader: Bwahahahhaha! Ze artefacts are finally mine!

Natasha: Could the treasures be cursed, dollink?

Fearless Leader: No, that is a superstition.

Boris: But boss, there are hieroglyeephics on some of the treasures.

Fearless Leader: You two must be delirious. Just because a relic has hieroglyphics on it doesn't mean it's cursed.

They head for their submarine, the Sub Zero.

Boris: Submarines are very common in Pottsylvania. We also have the Sub Normal, the Sub Lime, the Sub Woofer, and the Sub Whimper.

Narrator: But on the way to one of their many submarines that have puns for names, the villains simultaneously trip over a dune!

All: Ouch!

Boris: Oh no, we are cursed by the ancient artefacts!

Fearless Leader: Don't be stupid, er, stupider than you already are. That was just a coincidence.

Natasha: Most ancient tombs in stories are cursed.

Fearless Leader: Well, there is a first time for everything.

Boris: Raskolnikov! Moose and Squirrel escaped the quicksand with their stupid friends!

Fearless Leader: But that is impossible! I was sure they would sink into a sandy grave.

Boris: I have the same problem when I try to keel Moose and Squirrel.

Natasha: Boris dollink is right. I can see them a few miles behind us.

Boris: Oh, I know! I've got an idea.

Natasha and Fearless Leader: Does it involve explosives?

Boris: Yes. There's a whole bunch of them in our travel bag. I have replaced most of our essential supplies like food and water with them before we left Pottsylvania.

Fearless Leader: Badenov, you numbskull!

* * *

Narrator:The trio set up a plethora of explosives and continue to head for their submarine as fast as they can. Our heroes and archaeologists are completely unaware of the trap set up by the explosives obsessed spy.

Peachfuzz: The landscape is very interesting. There's a whole bunch of round plants with lighted fuses on them.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke! We're surrounded by bombs!

Narrator: After Captain Peachfuzz displays his knowledge of desert flora, our out of luck explorers walk into yet another obstacle. Will Rocky and his friends avoid the ammunition? Will the no-goodniks make it to their destination? And are the artefacts really cursed? Stay tuned for, "Have Explosives, Will Travel" or "From Badenov to Curse".


	10. Fractured Fairy Tales, The Gold Bird

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle, and Fractured Fairy Tales are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**The Gold Bird (Fractured Fairy Tales)**

Fractured Fairy Tales Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a kingdom in a far away land. The king had a huge treasury, but his prized possession was an apple tree. But it wasn't something that you'd see every day.

Chauncey: Uh, could we interrupt for a minute?

Edgar: Mr. Narrator, you're using our catchphrase without our permission.

Narrator: Oh, I am very sorry. I was unaware that your catchphrase was copyrighted. As I was saying, the tree was special because it produced many golden apples. Even though the apples we're exactly edible-

A villager bites into a gold apple and loses a tooth.

Villager: You're telling me!

Narrator: -the apples were often used as decorations, and they were highly valuable.

Some people are decorating their roof.

Decorator: Because having apples on the roof is perfectly normal.

* * *

Narrator: However, a gold coloured bird would periodically steal the treasured apples. Now I know what you're thinking. How many golden apples does the bird snatch? Well, the bird would acquire one apple from his tree each year. To people who have common sense this is obviously not a concern, but the king was absolutely and unnecessarily furious.

King: That thieving son of a bi-

Narrator: I'm sorry, but I don't think we should include inappropriate language.

King: I was going to say bird. After all, he is one. What did you think I was going to say?

Narrating: ...Um, never mind. Since he was too lazy to inform the "thief" of this crime, he ordered his son to do the work for him.

King: All right, I have a mission for you. Your job is to wait in the garden and arrest the bird burglar when he shows up. This mission is very important and dangerous.

Prince: Uh, dad, don't you think you're taking this way too seriously? The bird probably flew miles away from here.

King: If you find him and bring the gold apple back, I'll let you marry a princess and live happily ever after.

* * *

Narrator: After taking a bribe, he agreed to guard the golden apple tree. Since this story is a fairy tale and binoculars weren't invented yet, the birdwatcher sat in the tree with a makeshift telescope.

He is in the tree, and his telescope is actually a log with glass in one of the ends. He is also holding it backwards.

Prince: My dad is related to a guy named Captain Peachfuzz or something.

Narrator: That makes sense. Eventually, our perpetrator of the avian variety returned to the alleged scene of the crime.

Gold Bird: This is a lot easier than chasing dragonflies.

Prince: Hey, you! Get off my property!

Gold Bird: Uh, sorry about that. Anyway, thanks for the fruit!

He flies away with an apple.

Prince: ... Why do I get a feeling that I was supposed to do something?

A woodpecker flies to the tree and pecks on the branch that he is sitting on.

Woodpecker: Ha-ha-ha-HA-ha!

*pecking sounds*

Prince: What are those pecking sounds-

*crash*

Prince: ...ow.

* * *

He reports back to his father the next morning.

Prince: Hi, dad! I told a trespasser to get off your property.

King: That's great, son! Did you see any birds in my extraordinary tree last night?

Prince: Yeah. He was the trespasser, but he really didn't do much. He basically took a golden apple and left.

King: What? That does it, I'm going to bring him to court!

Prince: You're kidding, right?

Narrator: He wasn't kidding. Now the prince had to go on a journey that involved finding the gold bird and giving him a restraining order. But this journey was quite frustrating because, obviously, the bird didn't leave any tracks. On his way to absolutely nowhere, our hapless hero runs into a friendly fennec fox.

Prince: Ow!

Narrator: After the collision they introduce themselves.

Fennec Fox: Hello there, old buddy.

Prince: Huh? I never met you before.

Fox: You don't recognize me? Oh, I am so offended!

Prince: I'm really sorry-

Fox: Apologies accepted. Now, you want my advice on how to catch a bird who's been stealing your apples, right?

Prince: Sure, I guess. But I'm really supposed to give him this restraining order.

Fox: That's a new one. So, where are you going to stay overnight?

Prince: I was thinking about sleeping in a tree, but last night a woodpecker with a funny laugh pecked on it and I fell down.

Fox: There are two hotels up ahead. You should go in the rusty, creepy one. If you go in there, there are some really nice hotel owners that make pancakes. If you give me some of their delicious pancakes, I'll tell you where the bird lives.

Narrator: And so, they made a deal. He entered the hotel with an ominous exterior, and the nice owners let him stay there. The other hotel was so crowded that the prince wouldn't be able to stay there anyway. The next morning, he gave the fox some pancakes.

Fox: Thank you, these are delicious! Okay, to find your feathered friend, head for the nearby castle.

Prince: You mean the one with all the deadly traps in it?

Fox: Yep. That's the one.

* * *

They are both in front of the dangerous castle.

Prince: Can't you go in there instead?

Fox: No, you didn't put any syrup on my pancakes, you tightwad.

Narrator: The prince solitarily snuck into the huge fortress without being spotted, mainly because the guards left for some coffee and pancakes. It turned out that the golden bird resided on the roof. After climbing a multitude of poorly guarded staircases, he saw the bird and two bird cages. There was a wooden one and a gold plated one.

Gold Bird: Hi, do I know you?

The fox looks up at him from the entrance.

Fox: Use the wooden one!

Prince: What? I can't hear you!

Fox: Don't use the gold plated cage!

Prince: Use the gold cage? Okay, thank you, Mr. Fox!

Fox: No, you idiot, I said _don't_ use the-

He puts the bird in the cage.

Fox: -never mind...

Narrator: You may be wondering why this is so important. What the prince didn't know is that the wooden cage wasn't used anymore. It was replaced by the new, metal cage, which just so happened to have a built-in security system. As soon as he closed the door, the alarm went off and he was surrounded by guards!

Guard 1: I didn't know security alarms were invented yet. Did you?

Guard 2: I had no idea.

* * *

Narrator: A trial was held, and the results of that trial were that the prince was issued a restraining order. However, the verdict would be ignored if he was able to find a golden horse.

Fox: So you're saying that this guy's got a restraining order for trying to give someone a restraining order. That makes sense.

Narrator: The prince sneaks into a second establishment. This time, it is a royal stable that is close to a different castle. The horse is there, and there is a wooden saddle and golden saddle. I think he knows what to do now.

Golden Horse: Hi, do you know my friend in Canada? He has to deal with a stupid Mountie every day.

Prince: I'm going to follow Mr. Fox's advice.

He takes the golden saddle.

Fox: No, you twit!

* * *

Narrator: The saddle also had a built-in security system, and he was promptly arrested. Again. After explaining why he was there in the first place, in order to get the horse the prince now has to visit a golden princess in a golden castle.

Fox: Okay, first there are golden objects, then golden animals, and now there are golden _people_? Whoever wrote this is probably obsessed or something.

Narrator: Despite that it is highly unlikely for animals and people to be made of metallic substances, he goes to yet another castle and visits a princess who is made of metal.

Princess: Hello, welcome to my castle. I'd be glad to go on a trip with you, but I have to ask my parents if it's okay.

Narrator: The king and queen did not trust him because they thought he would tie her to a sawmill, and they had him arrested. They said he could go travelling with her if he was to refill the moat. He found this task difficult because they had some pet crocodiles in the moat.

Fox: What happened to you? You're covered with bandages.

Prince: The crocodiles were kind of snappy.

Narrator: And so, the prince married the princess. The couple loved animals, and they had a pet fox, horse, and a bird. They forgot about the restraining order, and let the bird eat as many apples from the tree as he wanted. It turned out that the princess's father was King Midas from another fairy tale, and the reason why there were so many metallic objects was because of his obsession with gold related things. If the story has any moral at all, it is probably, "All that Glitters isn't Gold". And they all lived happily ever after.

**The End**


	11. From Badenov to Curse

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Have Explosives, Will Travel or From Badenov to Curse**

Narrator: Rocky and Bullwinkle, Edgar and Chauncey, and Captain Peachfuzz all previously escaped from quicksand. But now they are in the middle of an explosive trap set up Boris Badenov. Will our heroes avoid the fatal fuses?

Bullwinkle: It's not as dangerous as the Frostbite Falls neighbourhood traffic.

Narrator: The explorers jump in a large hole and evade the explosions, which is similar to how they escaped a sandstorm earlier.

*KABOOM*

Edgar: Hopefully there aren't any poisonous snakes this time.

Chauncey: Yeah, we should try to watch out for them.

Captain Peachfuzz: Hey, this place is my outpost!

Rocky: Is this where you found the artefacts?

Peachfuzz: No, but I found some new friends! They seemed familiar for some reason...

Rocky: What did your "new friends" do?

Peachfuzz: There were three of them, and I showed them where the tomb was located.

Bullwinkle: Okay, but what's with the holes? This place has more holes than the plot for this story.

Peachfuzz: When I wasn't looking, my outpost was taken over by killer rabbits and mole people! But my friends fought them off, which is why they were covered with dirt and were carrying shovels.

Edgar: Well, that's not something you hear every day.

Rocky: Captain Peachfuzz, are you sure that's what happened to your outpost?

Peachfuzz: Uh, I didn't see it, but one of my fellow expert explorers said it was true. I think his name was Fearless Leader or something.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Peachfuzz: Did the killer rabbits and mole people come back?

Rocky: Um, no. But I know who's responsible for this.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, Boris, Natasha, and Fearless Leader are heading for their submarine.

Fearless Leader: Badenov, usually I highly despise you, but your trap was brilliant.

Natasha: Yes, Boris dollink, there is no possible way that they can escape and stop us from taking over the world.

Boris: Aw, it was nothing.

The trio runs into an archaeologist.

Archaeologist: Hello, my fellow archaeologists.

Fearless Leader: You must be mistaken. I am Fearless Leader, the self appointed ruler of Pottsylvania. How could you possibly mistake me for someone else?

Natasha: You are still wearing that disguise you used to get Moose and Squirrel stuck in the quicksand.

Fearless Leader: Oh, that makes sense.

Archaeologist: I noticed your collection of rare, fascinating relics.

Boris: That's right, we hit the jackpot!

Archaeologist: You sure did. But since you three aren't professionals, I should probably take them off your hands-

Fearless Leader: Well, if you put it that way, I am indeed an archaeologist. My name is Dunstan Ramses, and I am the most fearless archaeologist in the world!

Archaeologist: That's great! I've never heard of you before, but you guys have good proof.

* * *

Narrator: The archaeologist thinks they are also professionals because of their proof, but he doesn't know their actual intentions. While the fellow "explorers" stay at his outpost, our heroes are trying to figure out where they should go in this vast ocean of sand.

Bullwinkle: It says on this map that we should follow an eyeball and some birds.

Rocky: Bullwinkle, that's not a map. They're hieroglyphics.

Narrator: Mr. Know it All's knowledge of Ancient Egyptian writing is clearly evident, as well as his sense of navigation.

Bullwinkle: This is almost as hard to understand as the story!

Narrator: They decide to head for Pottsylvania and convince the villains to send the stolen artefacts to a museum.

Edgar: I kind of agree with you, Rocky, but if they disagree, Fearless Leader will shoot us!

Chauncey: Or execute us.

Edgar and Chauncey: Or both.

Rocky: They'll probably refuse, but we should at least try.

Chauncey: Didn't you hear what we just said? Trying to negotiate with Fearless Leader is like walking into a firing squad.

Rocky: It's the right thing to do.

Bullwinkle: I'd say that it's worth a shot.

Narrator: After Bullwinkle's pun gets his fellow travellers even more nervous, their next destination is Pottsylvania. However, their only mode of transportation, the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam, is nowhere in sight.

Chauncey: There's an outpost! We can ask the people there for directions.

Edgar: You're probably seeing another mirage. Like the bench that was really a cactus.

Chauncey: I know it's not a mirage. I can feel it.

Edgar: You mean the cactus needles stuck up your-

Peachfuzz: Hi, Mr. Archaeologist!

Archaeologist: Hello, fellow explorers. My name is Bill Nile, not "Mr. Archaeologist".

Edgar: Chauncey and I are also archaeologists. We're looking for our boat, the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam.

Chauncey: And we're trying to stop some bad guys from stealing artefacts.

Bill Nile: You ran into some tomb robbers? Well, I'll make sure to be on the lookout for them. And I saw your vessel. It's less than a mile away from my outpost.

Rocky: Thank you, Mr. Nile.

Bill Nile: No problem. By the way, I was trying put a nose back on the Great Sphinx earlier, but a paper airplane exploded and knocked it off. Do you know who's responsible for that?

Bullwinkle: Uh... no?

Bill Nile: All right then. I'll just have to ask my overly enthusiastic audience.

Crowd: Yay.

* * *

Narrator: He's still having problems with his project, and the audience. I guess if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Oh, wait...

Rocky: There's our boat!

Bullwinkle: How do you know it's ours?

Rocky: It has rubies decorated all over it. And you wrote "The Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam" on the side.

Bullwinkle: Oh, yeah. Now I remember.

Rocky: Do you recognize your handwriting?

Bullwinkle: No. I remember it because I spelled "ruby" wrong.

Chauncey and Edgar laugh at him.

Peachfuzz: Don't feel bad, Bullwinkle. Sometimes I spell "the" wrong.

They laugh even harder.

Bullwinkle: Mr. Narrator, could you please narrate more of the story?

Narrator: Hahahaha-

Bullwinkle: Mr. Narrator?

Narrator: Huh? Oh, right. Sorry about that. Our heroes, explorers, and idiots attempt to sail to Pottsylvania. But since Captain Peachfuzz is with them, he insists on sailing the vessel. But since he is a complete and utter moron, they end up in a different destination. Try to guess where they are.

They are in another desert environment. There is a sign that says, "Mojave Desert".

Peachfuzz: The Northwest region of Canada?

Narrator: ...No. You're not in Dudley Do-Right's territory. Or in any Territories for that matter.

Bullwinkle: I'm not sure, but judging by that sign, we're in the Mojave Desert. Again.

Narrator: Congratulations! You're right! You've just won a million dollars!

Bullwinkle: Really?

Narrator: No.

Rocky: What rotten luck! First we get lost here in the Upsidasium episodes, then we're lost in the earlier episodes of this story, and now this happens.

Edgar: You mean good luck. This place is way better than Pottsylvania. It's less dangerous.

Chauncey: I wouldn't be so sure of that. Remember the evil cactus?

Edgar: You mean the one you sat on? Heheh-

Chauncey: You sat on it, too.

Edgar: -please don't rub that in.

Bullwinkle: Hey, I found a random train in the middle of nowhere!

Chauncey: That's great! Edgar and I can drive it to Pottsylvania.

Rocky: Are you sure that's legal? You're not train conductors anymore.

Chauncey: Who cares if it's not legal?

Narrator: And so, the fired train conductors conduct the locomotive, without any regard to state laws.

Edgar: This is probably why we get fired so often.

Narrator: Suddenly, the train is heading for a dead end!

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Bullwinkle: That end isn't the only thing that's going to be dead.

Narrator: Will our heroes survive the impact of crashing into a cliff? And are the stolen artefacts really cursed? Stay tuned next time for, "Dangers on a Train" or "Cursive Writing".


	12. Dangers on a Train

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Dangers on a Train or Cursed Writing**

Narrator: After an adventure in Giza, Egypt, our explorers decided to head for Pottsylvania. This is because Fearless Leader and his spies Boris and Natasha stole artefacts from a recently discovered tomb. After finding their vessel, the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam, they sailed for the dangerous destination. However, the combination of Bullwinkle and Captain Peachfuzz's navigational skills led them sailing back to the Mojave Desert.

Rocky: We're going around in circles!

Narrator: Exactly.

Bullwinkle: I blame the writer for this.

Narrator: You should also be blaming the writer for your current situation. While traversing the ocean of sand, they found an abandoned train. Since Edgar and Chauncey switch occupations quite often, they used their knowledge as former train conductors to drive the train to Pottsylvania. But it turns out they didn't have much competence in this field.

Edgar: That's probably why we got fired.

Narrator: As a result, the train is heading right for a dead end!

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Bullwinkle: That end isn't the only thing that's going to be dead.

Narrator: Luckily for our adventurers, the brakes on the locomotive are still responsive. The expert conductors pull the brakes in time before they could have crashed.

Chauncey: That was close.

Bullwinkle: The writer gave us a break for once.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, the spies and their boss are stationed at an outpost that belongs to Bill Nile, an out of luck archaeologist.

Natasha: At least we're not staying with Captain Peachfuzz.

Bill Nile: Captain Peachfuzz?

Boris: You don't want to know.

Bill: Is he the guy who dug holes everywhere?

Boris: Actually, that was us.

Fearless Leader: Badenov, you numbskull! Er, what he meant to say is Captain Peachfuzz was responsible for that.

Boris: But boss-

Fearless Leader: Shut up your mouth!

* * *

Narrator: It appears the terrible trio is doing a great job with keeping their real identities a secret.

Boris: Not really.

Natasha: The narrator was using sarcasm. Right, Fearless Leader dollink?

Fearless Leader: Why didn't I consider doing this myself?

Narrator: While Fearless Leader regrets bringing them with him, the archaeologist notices hieroglyphics on the "excavated" treasures.

Bill: I wonder what it translates to...

Narrator: He gets out his Hieroglyphics to English Dictionary.

Natasha: I didn't know that exists.

Narrator: Neither did I.

Bill: Apparently, the hieroglyphics say "WARNING: Trespassers will be cursed".

Fearless Leader: Well, what do you know. That sounds like the signs I put up around my headquarters, er, work area. Except mine say "Trespassers will be shot".

Bill: Wow, you're really dedicated to protecting artefacts.

* * *

Narrator: Evidently, the only reason why the no-goodniks are getting away with the possession of stolen artefacts is because he's completely missing the point.

Bill: I resent that! I found a lot of arrowheads earlier.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, our heroes are still travelling in the conveniently available, abandoned locomotive.

Captain Peachfuzz: Do you guys need any help with steering the train? I'm an expert at piloting vehicles.

Edgar: Sure, go ahead-

Rocky: He flew a helicopter upside down once.

Edgar: -uh, no, we're fine. Right, Chauncey?

Chauncey: Huh? Oh, sorry. I wasn't listening. There's a ghost right in front of us.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Narrator: It appears our heroes ran into yet another obstacle.

Bullwinkle: You're wrong, Mr. Narrator.

Narrator: Really?

Bullwinkle: Yeah. Technically, we're not running. We're on a train, remember?

Narrator: I was using a figure of speech.

Bullwinkle: But the figure in front of us didn't say anything.

Narrator: As I was saying, if the artefacts really are cursed, what will become of our villains? And what is the figure in front of our heroes? Could it be a ghost from the ancient tomb? Be sure to stay tuned for, "A Tomb with a View" or "A Spirited Adventure".


	13. A Tomb with a View

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**A Tomb with a View or a Spirited Adventure**

Narrator: Our heroes are travelling on a train in the Mojave Desert that is conducted by Edgar and Chauncey. The not very experienced train conductors and incredible navigational skills of Bullwinkle and Captain Peachfuzz resulted in them heading for yet another obstacle.

Captain Peachfuzz: Thanks for the recognition, Mr. Narrator.

Chauncey: Wait a minute, the narrator is comparing us to Captain Peachfuzz!

Edgar: That's kind of harsh.

Narrator: Now their path is blocked by a shadowy figure.

Rocky: I wonder what it is...

Narrator: The shadow appears to be an ancient apparition of some sort. And there appears to be no way out.

Bullwinkle: Yeah. It's dead ahead.

Edgar: You just had to say dead, didn't you?

Shadow Ghost: Turn back or you will be cursed!

Edgar and Chauncey use the brakes to stop the train.

Rocky: Who are you?

Shadow Ghost: I am the ghost of the tomb that you robbed!

Rocky: But we didn't rob your tomb. Fearless Leader is probably responsible for this.

* * *

Narrator: Forget probably. Fearless Leader is definitely responsible for this. In the Giza Desert, the villains are plotting a way to sneak off with the stolen cursed artefacts and get to Pottsylvania.

Boris: I knew it! They really are cursed. We are doomed for sure...

Fearless Leader: Badenov, you numbskull!

Natasha: You've been saying that a lot lately, dollink.

Fearless Leader: Badenov, you schweinhund!

Boris: I'm sorry, boss. But I am sure that they are cursed.

Fearless Leader: You're going to miss out on treasures that are worth a fortune because of hieroglyphics that were translated by an idiot?

Natasha: I wouldn't call the archaeologist an idiot.

Fearless Leader: Of course he is. He didn't recognize me, and as everyone should know, I am the greatest conqueror in all history.

Natasha: But you never conquered anything.

Fearless Leader: That is because you and Badenov screw up everything, you good for nothing dummkopfs!

* * *

Narrator: While the crooks conspire a plan, our heroes are trying to convince the ghost of their innocence.

Shadow Ghost: I find your story hard to believe.

Bullwinkle: Would you believe-

Shadow Ghost: Silence!

Rocky: Mr. Ghost, we didn't rob any tombs when we were Egypt. You should be after Fearless Leader.

Shadow Ghost: Lies, all lies!

Edgar: Rocky, this guy will never listen to us.

Chauncey: Think we should ignore him and ride off?

Edgar: Yeah, I think we should.

Narrator: And so, the train conductors continue their trek across the train tracks.

Shadow Ghost: Hey! Where are you going? You are disrespecting the mighty, all powerful ghost of-

The locomotive runs over him.

Shadow Ghost: Yeowch!

Captain Peachfuzz: The ghost of yeowch?

Narrator: This phoney phantom is actually Mr. Big. He must have heard of the artefacts, and assumed that they were in our explorers' possession.

Mr. Big: I shouldn't have stood on the railroad tracks...

Narrator: While he is laying there, crushed about his haunting gone awry, a random ghost floats by.

Ghost: Your impression needs a little work.

* * *

Narrator: With the "phantom" out of the way, our heroes' adventure is going more smoothly. Which is surprising when you consider that Captain Peachfuzz is aboard.

Edgar: We took care of the potential hazard.

Peachfuzz is tied up and he is in the caboose.

Captain Peachfuzz: I must be a great conductor. I'm so good that I don't even need to steer!

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, the villains' adventure is also going smoothly. This is because archaeologist Bill Nile is oblivious of their exploits, and they have figured out a complex plan on how to sneak off with the stolen artefacts.

Natasha: We are going to sneak off at midnight when he is asleep in his tent.

Boris: Isn't it brilliant?

Fearless Leader: Indeed. It's so simple that even you two can't screw it up.

Narrator: Boris and Natasha are also oblivious to their boss's insults. At midnight, the terrible trio silently creep away with the treasures.

Boris is carrying one of the bags of valuables. He trips and there is a loud crash.

*CRASH*

Narrator: I _said _they silently creep away with the treasures.

Boris: You try carrying something this heavy!

Narrator: Somehow he didn't hear the loud noise. The next morning, Bill Nile is in denial that they deserted him. Haha, get it?

Crowd: Yay.

Narrator: You guys are never happy. For being cursed and all, there doesn't seem to be any negative consequences. Yet. Will the curse come into effect later on when they reach Pottsylvania? Will our heroes make it to Pottsylvania and retrieve the stolen treasures? Stay tuned for, "Curses, Foiled Again!" or "City of the Dread".


	14. City of the Dread

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Curses, Foiled Again! Or City of the Dread**

Narrator:Our heroic explorers previously encountered a phoney phantom who was actually Mr. Big.

Mr. Big: They sure did... ow.

Narrator: They evaded the miniature menace by continuing their travels without stopping.

Mr. Big: You don't have to tell me! They didn't even bother to slow down.

Narrator: It's your own fault. You shouldn't have stood on the railroad tracks.

Mr. Big: I know. How does Nell Fenwick put up with this?

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, the villains head for Pottsylvania with the stolen artefacts in their possession.

Boris: We did it! We managed to get out of the outpost without being noticed.

Fearless Leader: No thanks to you. Not only did you almost break the artefacts when you fell over, but we could have been discovered.

Natasha: He is right, Boris dollink.

Boris: I'm not worried. The archaeologist won't even notice we left.

* * *

Narrator: Oh, but he did notice.

Bill Nile: Where are they? Do you guys know?

Crowd: Yay.

Bill Nile: Hmm. You guys aren't very helpful... wait, I know what happened. They went exploring early and they'll come back later.

* * *

Narrator: There's no chance of that happening. They're way ahead of the outpost by now.

Fearless Leader: We'd be home by now if someone remembered to bring a map.

Boris: Sorry, boss.

Narrator: Our villains ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

Boris: Really?

Narrator: No. That would be far too easy. And besides, this isn't Fractured Fairy Tales.

* * *

Narrator: While aboard the locomotive, our heroes come across another shadowy figure. Could this be another phoney phantom?

Snidely Whiplash: Nyahahahaha!

Narrator: I guess not.

Rocky: Snidely Whiplash? What are you doing here?

Snidely: I am looking for a potential victim to tie to the railroad tracks. Any volunteers?

All: No.

Snidely: Curses, foiled again!

Narrator: Snidely Whiplash goes off to find a "volunteer", who is most likely going to be Nell Fenwick. Again.

* * *

Narrator: Eventually the terrible trio find their Pottsylvanian submarine.

Boris: It's about time! I was getting tired of digging.

Natasha: But dollink, I thought you loved getting your hands dirty.

Boris: The only digging that I am going to do is dig graves for Moose and Squirrel!

Fearless Leader: That is the smartest thing I have ever heard from you. Of course, that's not saying much.

* * *

Narrator: Rocky and Bullwinkle, Edgar and Chauncey, and Captain Peachfuzz find their ship, the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam. They sail to the dreaded place of Pottsylvania.

Rocky: We'll have to sneak past the gatekeeper.

Bullwinkle: Why do that when we could go up to the gate and ask?

Rocky: The last time we did that, Fearless Leader had us arrested.

Bullwinkle: Maybe he won't if we say please?

Rocky: I doubt it.

Narrator: They sneak past the gatekeeper by travelling on a nearby trail. But this was the wrong trail to travel on because it's inhabited by Pottsylvania Creepers!

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Narrator: Will our heroes escape from the giant carnivorous plants? And will the villains be cursed by violating the ancient tomb? Stay tuned for "Artefacts are Forever" or "Days of Vines and Roses".


	15. Dudley DoRight, Canadian Lake Monster

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle, and Dudley Do-Right are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

Rocky: And now it's time for a Dudley Do-Right episode!

Bullwinkle: That's great, Rocky! What's it about?

Rocky: This episode has something to do with a lake and a sea monster.

Bullwinkle: Another episode with water? That's just great. We've been lost in two deserts and now this. I'm going to get us some water.

Rocky: The last time you tried that, you got stuck in a water wheel-

Bullwinkle ignores him and heads for the Northwest region of Canada again.

Rocky: -and now here's something we hope you'll really like.

**Canadian Lake Monster (Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties)**

Dudley Do-Right Narrator: At the close of the nineteenth century, in the Northwest region of Canada, the most famous Mountie of all is none other than our hero, Dudley Do-Right.

Dudley is riding his horse backwards. He falls off and lands in a lake.

Narrator: And to be honest, I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing...

Dudley Do-Right: Not to worry, Mr. Narrator! I will protect everyone from Snidely Whiplash!

* * *

Narrator: Speaking of Snidely Whiplash, he is working on his latest evil scheme, which is-

Snidely Whiplash: Don't give my ingenious plan away! It's supposed to be a surprise.

Narrator: A surprise?

Snidely: Yes. A foul and fiendish one, but a surprise nonetheless.

Narrator: While Snidely continues to work on his "surprise", Dudley reports to the Mountie post.

Nell Fenwick: Dudley, you won't believe what just happened!

Dudley: Did Snidely Whiplash kidnap you again?

Nell: ...Um, no.

Inspector Fenwick: As you should plainly see, Whiplash did not abduct my daughter, you nimrod. I called you here to investigate the strange happenings at Lake Okanagan.

Dudley: The one that I fell in earlier?

Inspector: Yes, Do-Right... the one that you fell in earlier.

Dudley: Right away, sir!

He goes out to start his mission.

Inspector: Sometimes I _really_ worry about him.

Nell: I know.

* * *

Narrator: Dudley sees a creature that resembles a plesiosaur at the lake.

Dudley: Egad! A sea monster!

Panicked, he leaves right away.

Narrator: However, the monster is actually a robot. Wait a minute, how can such advanced robotics be possible in the nineteenth century?

Snidely: That's anachronisms for you.

* * *

Narrator: The melodramatic villain proceeds to explain his new scheme.

Snidely: Nyahahahaha! My plan is brilliant and undeniably foolproof. This robotic "Ogopogo Lake Monster" will scare everyone away from Lake Okanagan. Then this place will become a ghost town and I can gain a profit by using the robot as a tourist attraction.

Bruno: Uh, couldn't we just use the Ogopogo as a tourist attraction, and the people who already live here could pay to see it?

Snidely: That would work, but I'd like to finally be rid of that meddling Mountie and his friends.

Bruno: Okay, but for some reason your idea sounds familiar.

Dudley returns to the scene of the alleged Ogopogo sighting to confirm what he just saw and sees that it is still there.

Dudley: Wowsers! I should tell my boss about this. After all, I'm always on duty.

He goes back to the RCMP station.

Snidely: You're right. This does sound familiar...

* * *

Narrator: It must be another anachronism. Dudley Do-Right the very brave Mountie demonstrates his bravery by running home with his tail between his legs.

Dudley: But I don't have a tail.

Narrator: It's a figure of speech.

Dudley: Inspector, there's a sea monster at the lake!

Inspector: Do-Right, have you been on "missions" that involve moonshine again?

Dudley: No, sir. I most definitely saw a sea serpent. I have a good sense of observation- gosh, I didn't notice we had a window there before!

Narrator: Thanks to Dudley's monster sighting and Snidely spreading the word, rumours run rampant throughout the Northwest region of Canada.

News Person: Extra, extra! Read all about it! Moronic Mountie ogles the Ogopogo!

Dudley: Excuse me, but that description is highly inaccurate. I saw a sea serpent, not an "Ogopogo" or whatever it is.

Narrator: That just so happens to be the name of the serpent. An Ogopogo is a lake inhabiting creature that is part of Aboriginal mythology.

Dudley: So it has something to do with a pogo stick?

Narrator: ...I give up.

* * *

Narrator: Our culturally informed constable reluctantly goes back to Lake Okanagan.

Dudley: I hope I don't find the sea serpent...

Narrator: Oh, but he did. In fact, not only did he see the Ogopogo, he also got to see its interior.

Dudley: Mr. Narrator, I don't understand what you're trying to tell me.

Narrator: It's simple, Dudley. I said that you get swallowed by the plesiosaur.

Dudley: Okay, thank you, Mr. Narra... what?

Dudley is immediately swallowed by the Ogopogo.

Ogopogo: *gulps*

Narrator: The monster's meal plummets and lands in its "stomach".

*THUD*

Dudley: Ow! I say, I try to get really into a case, but this is ridiculous!

Snidely: Ah, if it isn't my nemesis Dudley Do-Right.

Dudley: Snidely Whiplash? What are you doing here?

Snidely: The "Ogopogo"-

Dudley: What?

Snidely: -creature is actually a highly advanced machine. This robot is made of the very best technology that shouldn't really be available at this time.

Dudley: Now I know what you're up to! You were going to take over the country by using pogo sticks, but then the Loch Ness Monster swallowed you before you could carry out your fiendish agenda. Am I correct?

Snidely: ...No. You honestly thought I'd use pogo sticks?

Narrator: Do-Right tries to find a way out, and he notices a large red button.

Dudley: What does this button do?

Snidely: No, don't touch that-

He pushes the button.

*KABOOM*

Snidely: -button.

Narrator: The results are that the machine completely implodes.

Snidely: Why did I even bother with a self destruct button?

**The End**


	16. Artefacts are Forever

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Artefacts are Forever or Days of Vines and Roses**

Narrator: When we last left our heroes, they reached the Pottsylvanian shoreline. But they were very reluctant to travel to this destination.

They are being held captive by Pottsylvania Creepers.

Rocky: You can probably guess why.

Narrator: The horrible giant plants wrapped their long vines tightly around the gang. Rocky uses his front teeth to chew on the vines and escape.

Pottsylvania Creepers: Hisssssssss!

Narrator: They all escape before the carnivorous plant creatures can respond.

Bullwinkle: Where's Captain Peachfuzz? I don't remember seeing him since we were on the train.

Edgar: Chauncey, did you untie him after we got off the train?

Chauncey: I didn't know I was supposed to untie him.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

* * *

Narrator: I'm not quite sure if that was unintentional. The cloddish captain untied himself after they left, and he assumed control of the locomotive.

Captain Peachfuzz: If I can steer a ship, then this will be no problem!

He causes the train to move backwards.

Narrator: This is actually normal for him.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, after a long illegal treasure hunt, our villains return to the Pottsylvanian shore.

Boris: At last, we are finally home!

Natasha: And we don't have to deal with Moose and Squirrel!

Narrator: The terrible trio finds three graves with their names on the headstones in front of their headquarters, the Central Control building.

Fearless Leader: ...That is not what I'd call a warm welcome.

Boris: I was right! We are all doomed!

Natasha: What about Mr. Big?

Boris: What about him? That guy didn't help us at all.

Fearless Leader: He is most likely trying to get rid of Moose and Squirrel.

* * *

Narrator: He really was trying to get rid of "Moose and Squirrel". But now Mr. Big is stuck near the desert railroad tracks after attempting to scare away our heroes.

Snidely Whiplash: Mr. Big, can I tie you to the railroad tracks?

Mr. Big: Get lost!

* * *

Narrator: Obviously they are unnerved by what awaited them at the entrance.

Natasha: Are you afraid of the curse too, Fearless Leader dollink?

Fearless Leader: Afraid? Of course not! After all, I am Fearless Leader. I'm not afraid of anything.

Boris: And he will probably scare the ghosts so much they'll mow his lawn for him or something.

Fearless Leader: Why would I do that and cause harm to my prized plants? Which reminds me, I didn't get to feed the Pottsylvania Creepers for days.

Natasha: Maybe they are so hungry they will eat Moose and Squirrel?

* * *

Narrator: He'll have to feed them later because our heroes escaped from the ravenous, carnivorous plants. When they enter the headquarters, there is a broadcast on the radio.

_Radio Announcer_: Today we are interviewing Captain Peachfuzz. He recently uncovered an unknown tomb that contained priceless artefacts, got lost in two deserts, and managed to find his way back to Frostbite Falls. In fact, he's so good at exploring that he conducted the train backwards!

_Captain Peachfuzz_: The guy you're talking about sounds really important! I wonder who he is?

_Radio Announcer_: However, a group of bandits robbed all of the tomb's contents.

Natasha: I prefer the term villains or evil doers myself.

_Radio Announcer_: Mr. Peachfuzz, can you give us a description of the perpetrators?

_Peachfuzz_: Huh?

_Radio Announcer_: The people who stole stuff.

_Peachfuzz_: Oh, now I understand. Well, I don't really know. According to three fellow explorers I met earlier, my outpost had holes all over the place because of giant killer rabbits and mole people-

_Mole_: Hey! It wasn't us! And the rabbits are offended, too.

_Radio Announcer: _Be sure to stay tuned for-

Narrator: The radio has static before the announcer could finish stealing my narration. What a hypocrite.

Boris: I think I lost IQ points from that broadcast.

Fearless Leader: You have IQ points?

Narrator: What happens next is so scary it will probably make Boris lose his sanity. If he has any. Suddenly, there are irritating screechy noises from the radio!

Fearless Leader: That is just current radio broadcasting.

Natasha: That's not scary at all.

Boris: Annoying, but not scary.

Narrator: Boris tries to turn it off, but the sounds continue. Could this be the work of the spirits of the cured tomb? Will Rocky and his friends recover the stolen treasures? Be sure to stay tuned for "The Dead Talk Back" or "Radio Free Revenant".


	17. The Dead Talk Back

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**The Dead Talk Back or Radio Free Revenant**

Narrator: Our villains appear to have been cursed. Three tombstones with their names carved on them were found near the entrance of their headquarters. Boris and Natasha are terrified, but Fearless Leader brushes it off as superstition.

Fearless Leader: I still have all the treasures.

Narrator: Oh, you have the treasures all right. But at what cost?

Fearless Leader: Don't be stupid. The artefacts are exceedingly valuable.

Narrator: You're missing the point.

Fearless Leader: You are lying! I have several arrowheads in my new collection.

Narrator: Indeed. Now they are experiencing another strange occurrence. After listening to an interview about Captain Peachfuzz, their radio has been acting strangely.

Cursed Radio: Captain Peachfuzz is stranger if you ask me.

Natasha: Hokey Smoke, A talking radio!

Boris: We are most definitely done for...

Fearless Leader: Don't fall for it! This is a trick set up by Moose and Squirrel!

Narrator: Of course, we know that our heroes are not responsible for the bizarre broadcast. They just escaped from Fearless Leader's fiendish flowers, the Pottsylvania Creepers. So far they have been very lucky during their adventure. After surviving encounters with a sandstorm and poisonous snakes-

Rocky: Then we ran into a group of buzzards.

Bullwinkle: Yeah, and the birds were as big as a battleship!

Narrator: -They also escaped an explosive trap set up by Boris Badenov, quicksand, and a ghost that was actually Mr. Big, and obviously the Pottsylvania Creepers. Now our villains have to deal with a cursed radio that can apparently talk.

Cursed Radio: You guys are in for it!

Fearless Leader: I'll fix you! No one is allowed to scare Boris and Natasha except me.

Cursed Radio: Oh, really? Last time I checked, the radio isn't broken-

Fearless Leader: That's what you think.

He orders Boris and Natasha to pick up and drop the device into a nearby pond. The possessed radio short circuits.

*brzt*

Narrator: With that issue taken care of in a shocking manner, Fearless Leader orders Boris and Natasha to set up a huge security system, complete with an electric fence and gate, boarded up windows, and dozens of traps.

Fearless Leader: It is for safely precautions.

Narrator: AKA, he's afraid.

Fearless Leader: I am not!

He checks on the Pottsylvania Creepers in his backyard.

Fearless Leader: Hello Fern, Ivy, Rosa, and Violet, my wonderfully vicious plants. I'm home- what happened to you?

Narrator: The floral fiends tried to devour our heroes. The bite marks when Rocky chewed on their vines are visible.

Pottsylvania Creepers: Hisssss...

Fearless Leader: Really? Squirrel was here? Boris and Natasha didn't get rid of Moose and Squirrel!

Natasha: Fearless Leader can talk to plants?

Narrator: Yes, apparently Fearless Leader has names for and can understand what the plants are saying. Yeah, I think that's weird, too.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, our exposed explorers travel on the garden trail, which is actually his backyard, in search of the Great Pumpkin- er, in search of artefacts. While sneaking behind enemy lines against the Red Baron-

Rocky: Don't you mean Fearless Leader?

Narrator: -right. Since they previously travelled through two deserts without water, they are reasonably thirsty.

Chauncey: Hey you guys, I can see an oasis!

Edgar: An oasis in Pottsylvania? Now there's something you don't see every day.

Rocky: The possibility of an oasis in the Pottsylvanian climate sounds suspicious-

Bullwinkle: Let's go, gang!

Narrator: And so, regardless of Rocky and Edgar's uncertainty, Bullwinkle and Chauncey desperately march onward to the oasis. But the "oasis" is actually a hologram that leads to a trap! The trap turns out to be a pit of scorpions!

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Narrator: Will our desperate desperadoes escape from the scorpions' deadly stingers, and successfully steal the villains' ill gotten gains? Stay tuned for "Select your Poison" or "Now you Séance, now you Don't".


	18. Now you Séance, now you don't

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Select your Poison or Now you Séance, now you don't **

Narrator: Bullwinkle and Chauncey fell for a phoney oasis mirage. The mirage in question was actually a poorly constructed paper cutout. They also literally fell for a trap that contains deadly poisonous scorpions.

Bullwinkle: Hey, what gives?

Boris: You know what they say. You can lead a moose to water, but you can't let him drink! Hahahahaha!

Rocky: I thought it was "make him drink".

Boris: Shut up your buck toothed mouth!

Natasha: You are ruining our fun.

Edgar: You think killing people with deadly scorpions is fun?

Boris and Natasha: Why not?

Narrator: As they peer into the hole to see our potentially doomed duo, the pit is surprisingly unoccupied-

Chauncey: Hi guys!

Natasha: What_?_! How did Moose and Bowler Hat Guy escape so fast?

Bullwinkle: They liked my magic trick. Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

Rocky: But that trick never works.

Bullwinkle: This time it will work for sure!

Narrator: Unsurprising, no, it didn't work. Bullwinkle ends up pulling the scorpions out of a hat. The angry arachnids attack the terrible twosome.

Boris: Yeowch! Why won't you stupid bugs sting Moose and Squirrel instead?

Narrator: Knowing Boris, he most likely insulted them and tried to swat them with a newspaper. Our heroes sneak off and continue their search for the ancient relics.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, the cursed treasure hunter seems to be unphased by the recent phenomenon.

Fearless Leader: I'm not afraid of anything!

A jackal statue's eyes light up and stare at him.

Fearless Leader: What are you staring at?

Narrator: The confident colonel-

Fearless Leader: I'm a general.

Narrator: -whatever rank he is ignores the ominous warnings.

Fearless Leader: I am too dignified to be afraid. Some stupid people, like Boris and Natasha, would be scared of their own reflections-

Skeleton in the Mirror: Hello there!

Fearless Leader: Who the heck are you?

Skeleton: I'm what you'll look like if ya don't give up the goods.

Narrator: He fearlessly responds to this by darting out the door to tell Boris and Natasha.

* * *

Fearless Leader: Natasha, you won't believe what just happened!

Natasha: What is it, dollink?

Fearless Leader: I saw a skeleton in the mirror.

Natasha: You finally realized that you are underweight?

Fearless Leader: This has nothing to do with my health. I saw a skeleton that said I would look like him.

Natasha: You already do.

Fearless Leader: Shut up! It means we might end up dead if we're not careful. Now where is Badenov?

Natasha: He is putting bandages on his scorpion bites.

Boris: Oh, hello Fearless Leader. What did I miss- owch! They still hurt!

Fearless Leader: Badenov, you dummkopf! I said we could end up dead if we're not careful! And now you and Natasha are playing with deadly scorpions?

Natasha: We were not playing with deadly scorpions. We were killing Moose and Squirrel with deadly scorpions.

Fearless Leader: Judging by Boris's bandages, I'd say you two did a lousy job.

Boris: That's right! Are you psychic or somethink, boss?

Fearless Leader: No, but I did see a skeleton in the mirror.

Boris: I knew it! We are most definitely cursed...

* * *

Narrator: Our heroes found the Central Control building and now they are attempting to find a way in.

Bullwinkle: Why don't we just use the door?

Chauncey: If we did that, we'll probably end up like the tombstones over there.

Edgar: Those tombstones have their names on it...

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Edgar: I know, that's really creepy, right?

Rocky: Yeah, but I just noticed that it doesn't have Fearless Leader's real name on it.

Bullwinkle: Well, that's because no one knows what Fearless Leader's real name is.

Rocky: Except Fearless Leader himself.

Bullwinkle: I don't think he would make his own tombstone.

Rocky: No, but I think it's a fake. They set up props to make us believe the curse did them in, and scare us away from Pottsylvania.

Bullwinkle: Jinkies! I think we solved the mystery!

Rocky: Jinkies?

Narrator: Yes, Jinkies, one of the most commonly uttered words when solving a mystery. Apparently our heroes think they have a mystery on their hands.

Rocky: Where's Edgar and Chauncey?

The squirrel sees them a mile away from the building.

Chauncey: The graves didn't scare you, but they scared us.

Edgar: Yeah, have fun, you crazy meddling kids!

Rocky: Fine...

* * *

Narrator: Our villains appear to be shaken by the strange occurrences. But knowing those three, they're not likely to give up.

Boris: Okay, tomb spirits, I give up! I will confess the horrible crime that I committed. I killed that fat barkeep!

Fearless Leader: What?

Boris: Uh, it's nothing, boss.

Natasha: Fearless Leader, I heard something from the upstairs window!

Fearless Leader: It could be Moose and Squirrel.

Boris: I'm not going up there to check. For all I know it could be the tomb spirits-

Fearless Leader: Shut up, Badenov! It is very likely that they might have followed us here. Now let's go!

* * *

Narrator: The terrible trio hurriedly heads for the second floor.

Fearless Leader: Aha! I have found you, meddling Moose and Squirrel.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Bullwinkle: How are we going to get out of this one?

Natasha: You were right again, boss.

Boris: I knew you had ESP!

Rocky: That's it!

Bullwinkle: Huh?

Rocky: You three are in luck. My friend just so happens to be an expert in ESP.

Fearless Leader: I find that hard to believe.

Rocky: But it's true!

Bullwinkle: I'm Mr. Know it All, and I can bust your ghosts for you. I mean, who else are you gonna call?

* * *

Narrator: With apparently no other choice, they conveniently find an old crystal ball and set it up. Bullwinkle or "Mr. Know it All" shows up in a typical fortune teller outfit.

Boris: This better work, Moose, or else!

Bullwinkle: Sure it will. After all, I'm Mr.-

Villains: We know. Mr. Know it All.

Bullwinkle: -I sure am!

Narrator: Will our moose medium be able to make contact with the ghosts? Or will the ominous "or else" part happen? Stay tuned for "The Hot Seat" or "No Bones About it".


	19. Mr Peabody, Ocean Challenger

**Disclaimer: Mr. Peabody and Sherman are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

Rocky: And now here is a segment that involves water when we've been through two deserts without it.

Bullwinkle: Again?

Rocky: Yep. Again. It's something we hope you'll really like.

**Ocean Challenger (Peabody's Improbable History) **

Mr. Peabody: Hello, Peabody here. Today Sherman and I are going to visit some marine biologists. They started one of the first ocean adventures.

Sherman: Well, water we waiting for?

Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you.

Peabody Narrating: After Sherman set the WAYBAC machine, we slowly drifted into the past. Really deep, I know. Our destination was the city of-

Sherman: Help me, Mr. Peabody! I can't swim!

Mr. Peabody: Sherman_?_! Oh, no! The WAYBAC must have malfunctioned...

Peabody Narrating: The WAYBAC machine was set for England in 1872, but we were submerged in a harbour near the Atlantic.

Mr. Peabody: Luckily I know how to swim.

Peabody Narrating: I rescued Sherman from a terrible fate by bringing him up to the ocean surface, and we headed for the pier.

Sherman: You could teach me the dog paddle!

Mr. Peabody: Indeed.

* * *

Peabody Narrating: After reaching dry land,we found the HMS Challenger, which was used for the expedition. We also found the oceanographers, but they weren't getting the ship ready.

Sherman: Why's that?

Mr. Peabody: We'll have to find out.

Mr. Peabody: Pardon me, but why aren't you setting sail for a very important ocean voyage?

Captain George Nemo: Have you by any chance heard of the saying, "here there be sea monsters"?

Mr. Peabody: Of course.

George Nemo: That's why. As the captain of this ship, I should always be careful.

Sherman: The scientists don't seem to be eager about the expedition...

Mr. Peabody: Not to worry, Sherman. We'll have to resort to pier pressure.

Mr. Peabody: My fellow scientists, you are missing out on a huge opportunity-

John Moray: Huge sea monsters?

Mr. Peabody: -Quiet, you. You would missing out on exploring an unknown world full of fantastic creatures. And you will all discover thousands of them...

Peabody Narrating: I eventually concluded a long explanation of why this underwater undertaking is important.

Mr. Peabody: Are there any questions?

The oceanographers raise their hands.

Mr. Peabody: And no, questions about sea monsters will not be answered.

Everyone puts their hands down.

Mr. Peabody: All right, Sherman, now we're going on an ocean voyage!

* * *

Peabody Narrating: And then we finally set sail on the HMS Challenger for one of the first marine expeditions. Once we sailed further into the Atlantic, we were on the lookout for undiscovered marine life. We also explored the Pacific, Indian, and Antarctic Oceans.

Sherman: Oh, no! A Sea monster!

Mr. Peabody: Sherman, please don't start that sea monster foolishness. That's a shellfish.

Sherman: Sorry. I wanted to see how the marine biologists would react. That was very shellfish of me.

Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you.

Peabody Narrating: One of the deepest and most diverse areas was our next destination, the Marianas Trench.

Sherman: I smell something fishy...

Peabody Narrating: Sherman was somewhat correct, although it wasn't technically a fish. Suddenly, the HMS Challenger was spotted by a giant squid! The cephalopod wrapped its arms and tentacles around our ship.

Giant Squid: This toy boat will be a great Christmas present for my 250 kids!

Peabody Narrating: I promptly opened a convenient guidebook entitled, "How to Escape from Sharks and Giant Squids".

Sherman: Wow! You can find literature on just about any subject.

Mr. Peabody: That's true.

Sherman: Now I know.

Mr. Peabody: And knowing is half the battle.

Peabody Narrating: After thinking over the available options, I decided to reason with the well intentioned invertebrate.

Mr. Peabody: Excuse me, Mr. Giant Squid, but you are interfering with an important ocean voyage.

Giant squid: Really? Oh, I'm very sorry about that. I'll have to think of another Christmas present to put under the seaweed tree...

Peabody Narrating: The legendary over sized cephalopod let us go. He also gave us some seaweed and kelp specimens from the "seaweed tree". After explaining to the oceanographers that they shouldn't include the talking giant squid in their notes, we continued our venture.

* * *

Peabody Narrating: In 1876, the oceanographers completed their four year expedition. Of course, since this show is approximately four minutes long, the journey was sped up quite a bit. We managed to discover and record thousands of of marine life that was previously undocumented and even unheard of. I guess you could say the discoveries were difficult to fathom.

Sherman: What did you think of the voyage, Mr. Peabody?

Mr. Peabody: I'd say we had a "kraken" good time.

**The End**


	20. No Bones About It

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**The Hot Seat or No Bones About it**

Narrator: In the previous segment, our heroes got into another dangerous situation. As a result of stealing the treasures, Fearless Leader and his minions are cursed by ancient tomb spirits. Now they are trying to contact the spirits in a spooky séance.

Bullwinkle: Eenie Meenie Chili Beanie, the spirits are about to speak...

Rocky: Are they friendly?

Boris: What kind of question is that? Obviously they're anything but friendly.

Natasha: Fearless Leader saw a skeleton in the mirror-

Boris: And we were stung by scorpions! You've got to get this curse off of us.

Rocky: And if we refuse?

Fearless Leader: We'll make you an offer you can't refuse. The chairs that you two are sitting on happen to be rigged with electrical devices.

Bullwinkle: So you're saying that if we help you, we'll get a free high tech chair?

Rocky: Um, Bullwinkle, I think he means that we're sitting on electric chairs...

Fearless Leader: You are correct, Squirrel.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Bullwinkle: I know! Getting free electric chairs is a good deal, right?

Rocky: ...No offence, but you can be weird sometimes. And stupid.

Bullwinkle: Tell me something I don't know.

* * *

Narrator: Eventually, our moose medium appears to get a message.

Bullwinkle: Ah-choo! Oh, sorry about that, Mr. Narrator. I keep on getting sand stuck up my nose because the bad guys next to me have sand and dirt all over 'em. Can't you guys take a shower or something?

Natasha: It probably isn't safe because we're cursed.

Boris: The shower has leeches instead of water.

Natasha: How do you know, dollink?

Boris: I tried the shower head earlier.

Fearless Leader: Boris, stop sucking up my resources.

Boris: ...I don't get it.

* * *

Narrator: At this rate, the prophet will probably contact the phantoms of the pyramids by next year.

Bullwinkle: I don't think I'll profit from this job...

Narrator: Indeed.

Fearless Leader: If you fail to get rid of these pesky poltergeists, I will have no choice but to pull the switch.

Bullwinkle: What switch?

Fearless Leader: Why, the switch that generates the power for the electric chairs, of course.

Rocky: We're doomed-

Bullwinkle: Don't give up, Rocky! Thanks to my talents as Mr. Know it All, we'll get out of here alive with free chairs!

Tomb Spirit: Mr. Know it All, yeah, right.

Narrator: To the onlookers' shock and awe, including me, the narrator, the results of Bullwinkle's silly séance turned out to be not so silly.

Bullwinkle: Next I should try predicting the future! If an octopus could do it, then I sure can.

Narrator: Let's find out what our next psychic star's reaction is, shall we?

Bullwinkle: Jumping G Horsefat!

Tomb Spirit: I have no idea what that means, but I can tell you're afraid.

Rocky: I don't know what it means either, and I'm his best friend.

Bullwinkle: Well, anything I come up must be easier than hieroglyphics.

Tomb Spirit: They're really not that hard. When learning hieroglyphics, you-

Natasha: Shouldn't you be making us terrified?

Tomb Spirit: Yes, I probably should. Give back the treasures or you will face my wrath!

Boris: Natasha, why didn't you shaddup your mouth?

Narrator: While the dastardly duo is terrified of the ancient tomb spirit, Rocky sees this as a perfect opportunity to get away.

Rocky: We should use this time to escape.

Bullwinkle: I don't know, leaving without saying goodbye is kind of impolite-

Rocky: Let's go!

Narrator: The squirrel drags his friend away, but Fearless Leader notices them leaving.

Fearless Leader: Moose and Squirrel are getting away! I knew I should have put straps on the chairs...

Narrator: Now that our heroes finally have the treasures, what will they do with them? Will the artefacts be returned to where they stayed for thousands of years? Will they be sent to the museum in Frostbite Falls? It's obvious that the ghost wants his stuff back, but before the adventurers can make up their minds, they'll have to evade the villains and deadly traps. To find out the answers, be sure to stay tuned for "The Grapes of Wraith" or "The Road to Ruins".


	21. The Road to Ruins

**Narrator:Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**The Grapes of Wraith or The Road to Ruins**

Narrator: Well, the curse has struck the villains yet again. Boris and Natasha's deadly trap involving deadly scorpions for our heroes backfired on them. Actually, come to think about it, that's pretty normal. But make no mistake, weird things have happened lately, such as creepy tombstones with their names inscribed, a radio that emitted strange sounds, and a skeleton in a mirror in Fearless Leader's abode, as opposed to a skeleton in the closet.

Fearless Leader: I have plenty of those already.

Narrator: ...While I ponder if he means that literally or as a figure of speech, Bullwinkle actually managed to make contact with phantoms from another plane.

Bullwinkle: But I didn't see any aircraft vehicles.

Narrator: He really didn't have a choice in the matter because if our "Mr. Know it All" and his friend Rocky refused the offer, they would have been zapped by electric chairs. Luckily our heroes managed to evade a shocking fate, and now they finally have the artefacts!

Rocky: You're saying it like it's a good thing.

Narrator: The artefacts are cursed and our heroes will have to be careful.

Bullwinkle: After all the stuff we've been through, this should be easy.

Narrator: They nogoodniks are not going to let you get off easy. Even though an invisible ghost is somewhere in the Central Control building, they're not going to give up.

Natasha: Not after all the episodes we have been through.

Boris: Where did the talking spirit go? I was going to confess that I keeled that fat barkeep.

Fearless Leader: Who cares? What's important is capturing Moose and Squirrel. And your confessions are weird.

* * *

Narrator: Bullwinkle and Rocky are trying to escape from the headquarters without being noticed.

Rocky: Did you hear what he said, Bullwinkle? That means we have to be really quiet.

Bullwinkle: Sure thing, Rocky.

Narrator: The moose and squirrel silently and stealthily-

Bullwinkle: Uh, Mr. Narrator? The bad guys'll hear you and find us.

Narrator: -right.

They move quietly and there is no sound.

Bullwinkle: This silence is kind of awkward.

Fearless Leader: Hello, Moose und Squirrel.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Bullwinkle: At least we have the sound back.

Fearless Leader: Wait here. I need to get Boris and Natasha.

Rocky: Do you expect us to wait for you?

Fearless Leader: Of course not. I'm not stupid.

Rocky: Another trap?

Fearless Leader: Jawohl.

Narrator: He gets out a remote control and presses a button. A cage suddenly falls on our heroes, and, you guessed it, they are trapped.

Rocky: I thought so.

* * *

Fearless Leader: Boris? Natasha? Where are you?

They don't answer.

Fearless Leader: I'm sure you two were having a very nice conversation with our house ghost, er, guest, but we have some treasures to steal.

Boris and Natasha peer from under the séance table.

Boris: Is the scary ghost gone?

Fearless Leader: You were scared of that pea brained poltergeist?

Boris and Natasha: Da.

Boris: Fearless Leader, can you look for him for us? You're a brave boy.

Fearless Leader: No.

Natasha: Please, dollink?

Fearless Leader: How can I look for the poltergeist when it is invisible?

Boris: X-Ray Specs?

Fearless Leader: X-Ray Specs don't actually work, you bonehead.

Boris: But the ads on the boxtops said that they work...

* * *

Narrator: After a discussion on how they are going to handle their predicament...

Fearless Leader: ...And that is how we will handle this situation like professionals-

Boris is wearing X-Ray goggles.

Boris: Hey, Fearless Leader! I can see right through you.

Fearless Leader: Cut it out, Badenov!

Boris: Uh, boss, I know I now have X-Ray vision, but I'm not a surgeon.

Fearless Leader: That's not what I meant.

Boris: Next I should try these things on Natasha.

She slaps him and his goggles fall off.

Boris: Owch!

Natasha: Shut up your mouth!

* * *

Narrator: They check on the trapped moose and squirrel.

Fearless Leader: And this is where I finally caught those crazy meddling- where did they go?

The trap is empty.

Natasha: It is quite obvious you were out in the sun for too long, dollink.

Fearless Leader: I was not!

They notice that there is a huge hole in the floor.

Fearless Leader: Well, Natasha, I think it is quite obvious that Moose and Squirrel dug a tunnel. And they took the artefacts with them.

Boris: Raskolnikov! We have been dealing with burning sands, skeleton men, and scary ghosts, but we can't even have some souvenirs of our trip?

Narrator: I wouldn't exactly call them souvenirs...

* * *

Narrator: Now that they dug a tunnel, where are our heroes going to end up now? Well, let's find out, shall we?

Their friends, Chauncey and Edgar, are waiting for them outside the estate on a bench.

Edgar: Chauncey, I think maybe we should go in there and help our pals.

Chauncey: Nah. They don't need our help. They're the main characters. So, Edgar, what do think was scarier? The Pottsylvanian plant things or the cactus in the first segment?

Edgar: I'd say the Pottsylvania Creeper plants.

Chauncey: Are you kidding? The cactus had me on pins and needles. Especially when the needles got stuck in my-

Edgar: You do realize that sitting on the cactus was your fault.

Chauncey: Was not!

Narrator: While comparing the fiendish floras, the bench is turned upside down by a tunnel.

Chauncey: Hey! Watch it!

Edgar: Yeah! We were sitting on a bench here.

Rocky: Sorry, but I had to dig the tunnel somewhere.

* * *

Narrator: Fortunately our heroes have made a successful escape.

Fearless Leader: This is impossible! There has never been a successful escape from Pottsylvania.

Boris: But Moose and Squirrel have escaped several times before-

Fearless Leader: Shut up, Badenov!

Boris: Right. I see nothing.

* * *

Narrator: Before they start their pursuit, Fearless Leader makes sure to water his Pottsylvania Creeper plants.

Boris: Forget the plants! Let's go keel Moose and Squirrel!

Fearless Leader: How about I feed you to 'em?

The carnivorous plants make hissing sounds in agreement.

Boris: Okay, I'll shut up.

* * *

Narrator: This gives our heroes ample time to lug the artefacts on their boat, the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam.

Bullwinkle: These treasures are really heavy! It's really hard to lug this stuff around.

Rocky: You know, I just realized something.

Bullwinkle: You realized that they took everything but the ancient kitchen sink?

Rocky: Kitchen sinks weren't invented yet. What I meant is there wasn't a sarcophagus in the tomb.

Bullwinkle: I doubt cough drops were invented yet either.

Rocky: You're missing the point.

Bullwinkle: Pyramids?

Rocky: No.

Bullwinkle: Cacti?

Rocky: No! A sarcophagus is a type of coffin.

Bullwinkle: Well, I highly doubt the baddies are that morbid.

Rocky: But we didn't see one in the tomb at all. Either someone else went in there and swiped it, or a mummy is on the loose.

Bullwinkle: That's great!

Rocky: Huh?

Bullwinkle: I'd like to visit my mum.

Rocky: A dead guy with bandages is on the loose.

Bullwinkle: Oh. Wait a minute, if the mummy's bandages are loose, wouldn't he trip and fall over a lot?

Rocky: I don't know, but we don't have time to wait a minute.

Bullwinkle: Why not?

Rocky: The average length of these segments is only five.

Narrator: He's right. And unfortunately we apparently ran out of time. But now not only do our heroes have to deal with angry artefact swipers, they may have to deal with a mad mummy. To find out what happens next, be sure to stay tuned for the next segment, "Coffin Congestion" or "Homeward Ground".


	22. Coffin Congestion

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Coffin Congestion or Homeward Ground**

Narrator: Things are really heating up, and we're not even back in the desert yet.

Bullwinkle: Which one? Mojave or Giza?

Narrator: Judging by the artefacts on your hands, I'd say Giza.

Bullwinkle: We've gotta return this stuff back to the tomb.

Rocky: It's the right thing to do.

Edgar: Since when were you Dudley Do-Right?

Narrator: Our heroes want to bring them back to the unknown tomb, but archaeologists Edgar and Chauncey appear to disagree on this matter. At the edge of the Pottsylvania border, they should think of something to agree on fast before the villains catch up to them.

Chauncey: After all this adventuring, it's only right that we bring 'em back to the Frostbite Falls museum.

Rocky: If you do that, you'll probably be cursed like that bad guys were. That means you'd be dealing with ghosts, skeletons, mummies...

Bullwinkle: Cacti.

Edgar: They have a point there.

Chauncey: Yeah. I don't want to deal with an evil cactus again.

Edgar: Chauncey, compared to everything else the cactus was nothing. All you did was sit on the plant. You should really let it go.

Chauncey: I'm sorry, Edgar, but it really stuck to me.

Narrator: And so, at this point the groups part in separate ways. The archeologists turn back to Frostbite Falls, and our heroes head for the Giza Desert on the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam.

Chauncey: Only one problem with that. How do we get back home?

Bullwinkle: Say "there's no place like home" a few times? It works in the movies.

A ship called the SS Guppy appears at the shoreline.

Captain Peachfuzz: Hi, guys!

Edgar and Chauncey: Oh, no...

Narrator: Yes, unfortunately their only somewhat viable option is to sail with Captain Peter "Wrongway" Peachfuzz.

Edgar: Let's swim for it instead.

Narrator: They actually decide to dive into the Pottsylvanian Ocean and swim for Frostbite Falls.

*SPLASH*

Peachfuzz: I just had some men overboard and they weren't even on the ship. That must be a new world record.

Narrator: Albeit it's a rather dubious one.

Peachfuzz: I'm gonna get in the Book of Stupid World Records for sure! Right, guys?

He is alone.

Peachfuzz: ...guys?

* * *

Narrator: Our heroes also escape from the danger that is the captain's sense of direction, and opt for heading in a different direction. In this case they are heading for Giza aboard the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam. But they may have to look out for something in a case.

Bullwinkle: A mystery to solve?

Narrator: No. I was talking about a mummy.

Bullwinkle: It's not very polite to talk about my mum without her around.

Narrator: If you say so.

* * *

Narrator: The terrible trio will also have to look out for that certain something in a case.

Boris: A meestery to solve?

Natasha: Jinkies!

Fearless Leader: He is talking about a mummy.

Boris and Natasha: Sorry, boss.

They think about their possible predicament.

Boris: Wait a minute, a mummy_?_!

Natasha: Hokey Smoke!

They go back to hiding under the séance table from the previous episode.

Fearless Leader: Spineless cowards...

Narrator: Their bony boss lifts the cover of the séance table.

Boris: It is one of the skeleton men!

Fearless Leader: ...I'm not a skeleton, Badenov.

Boris: A mummy?

Fearless Leader: No, you bonehead!

Natasha: See, Boris? I told you that he looks like a skeleton.

Fearless Leader: Shut up, numbskulls! We must catch up to Moose and Squirrel, and keep them from the catacombs.

Natasha: Do we have to get the unlucky artefacts back, dollink?

Fearless Leader: Of course. We have spent so many episodes looking for the treasure, and we can't let our villainous efforts go to pot.

Boris: I'd say we put Squirrel in a pot! Like in the "Bumbling Brothers Circus" episodes.

Fearless Leader: Didn't you use a burning stake?

Natasha: He is right, Boris dollink.

Boris: I guess so, but the stakes are high for us this time.

* * *

Narrator: And so the scared spies reluctantly follow their leader to the Giza desert, in their pursuit of the adventurous moose and squirrel. This time they take the submarine entitled the Sub Lime.

Boris: I figured if we picked a submarine called Lime, we would find an oasis!

Fearless Leader: Your reasoning makes perfect sense.

Boris: Really?

Fearless Leader: No.

Boris: Aw, phooey!

Narrator: Sense or not, they reach the desert in record time.

Boris: Even faster than Moose and Squirrel?

Natasha: That is basically what he meant, dollink.

Boris: All right!

Narrator: Coincidentally, the moose and squirrel sail to the same place a few minutes later.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Bullwinkle: Rocky, I know that I can't steer the boat well-

Rocky: The bad guys are right in front of us!

Bullwinkle: At least they're not scary mummies.

Boris: Oh, but we're much scarier than that...

Bullwinkle: Well then, I guess Rocky and I should be going now... away from you guys-

Fearless Leader: Get them!

Narrator: Boris and Natasha tie up our heroes to, if you noticed what they talked about earlier, burning stakes!

Rocky: Again?

Bullwinkle: This is new for me.

Narrator: Will our heroes escape from becoming living shiskabobs? Stay tuned for "Night on Scald Mountain" or "Curses! Boiled Again".


	23. Night on Scald Mountain

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Night on Scald Mountain or Curses! Boiled Again  
**

Narrator: Now things are starting to heat up even more. Not only are our heroes in the scorching Giza desert, but the villains got there first and captured them! They tied the adventurous moose and squirrel to burning stakes.

Rocky: This happened to me before...

Bullwinkle: ...But it never happened to me!

Natasha: Well, there is a first time for everything.

Narrator: Rocky was in a similar predicament in the "Bumbling Brothers Circus" episodes, but he managed to evade a fiery state at the stake.

Fearless Leader: You can't escape this time, Squirrel!

Boris: Yeah, you and Moose are going to be shiskabobs.

Narrator: The cursed treasure hunters climb aboard the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam and begin to snatch up the goods.

Boris: See ya later, Moose and Squirrel!

Natasha: It was nice knowing you two.

Bullwinkle: Really?

Natasha: No.

Fearless Leader: After we steal your treasures, Moose and Squirrel, we are going to loot some more ruins!

Boris: Aren't we cursed enough, boss?

Fearless Leader: Stop being scared of that wimpy curse, Badenov. I'm not scared of it at all.

Natasha: You looked terrified when you saw a skeleton earlier-

Fearless Leader: Silence!

Narrator: Once on the boat, the bad bandits sail away from our tied up heroes.

Bullwinkle: Gosh, what are we gonna do to get outta this one, Rocky?

Rocky: We can't do much, but that sandstorm sure can.

Narrator: A short but powerful sandstorm blows out the fire on the stakes, and saves the pair of explorers from becoming shiskabobs. If Boris saw this, I'm sure he would say "Aw, phooey!"

Bullwinkle: Or Rascal-na-something.

Rocky: Raskolnikov.

Bullwinkle: You're getting a cold in a place like this? Gesundheit.

Narrator: After untying the ropes, the happy go lucky duo are off on their merry way to the dark and scary tomb.

Rocky and Bullwinkle stare at the narrator, and they look confused.

Narrator: ...All right, maybe "merry" isn't exactly appropriate for this situation.

Rocky: Um, yeah, so this sandstorm was very convenient.

Bullwinkle: Not for me it isn't! I've got sand up my nose- Ah-choo!

Rocky: Gesundheit.

* * *

Narrator: It seems like the travelling twosome is lost.

Rocky: Again?

Narrator: Yes, Rocky. Again. Since there is no visible trail in sight, thanks to the sandstorm, they follow the shoreline of where the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam was plundered. They shortly reach the longest river in the world, the Nile river.

Bullwinkle: Look over there, Rocky! I can see our boat.

Rocky: You must be seeing mirages again- Hokey Smoke! You're right!

The boat is anchored in the Nile river.

Bullwinkle: All of the valuable stuff seems to be there.

Rocky: But where are the baddies?

The villains show up behind them.

Fearless Leader: Here we are, Moose und Squirrel!

Rocky: Why are you suddenly leaving everything out in the open for us? That's kind of suspicious.

Bullwinkle: Were you guys out in the sun for too long or something?

Fearless Leader: We have learned the errors of our ways.

Rocky: Huh?

Bullwinkle: I knew it.

Fearless Leader: We're fine. We are giving our ill gotten goods back so you can give them back to their rightful owner.

Natasha: But the rightful owner is dead.

Boris: And he is now a scary mummy on the loose!

Boris imitates a mummy walking with his arms outstretched. Fearless Leader trips him so he falls over.

Fearless Leader: Shut up! Now go ahead and take everything on the ship. We won't kill you two at all. Isn't that right, Badenov and Fatale?

Boris and Natasha try not to laugh.

Fearless Leader: *whispers* Don't screw this gig up or else.

Natasha: Yes, you may do whatever you please with the jewels and statues.

Boris: Yeah, we don't need 'em. Return them, send them to the museum, it doesn't matter.

Bullwinkle: That's good enough for me! Come on, Rocky, let's climb aboard!

Rocky: This seems highly unlikely.

Bullwinkle drags him on the jewel covered ship.

Bullwinkle: I said let's climb aboard. It's not often that we get off this easy from these guys, so let's make the most of it.

Boris: That's right. It's a _snap_, isn't it?

Narrator: Suddenly, a large crocodile emerges from the river and snaps at our heroes!

*SNAP*

Narrator: Then even more of them appear and surround the Ruby Yacht.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke! We've been tricked.

Bullwinkle: Again?

Narrator: Yep. Our gullible heroes are in a really big peril this time. Don't miss our next episode, "The Green Nile" or "Many Miles of Crocodiles".


	24. Many Miles of Crocodiles

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**The Green Nile or Many Miles of Crocodiles  
**

Narrator: Our famous adventurers will have to cross the longest river in the world, the Nile River. This task is actually even more difficult than it should be, as the famous villains have tricked them into walking into a trap.

Rocky: We know. There's a whole bunch of crocodiles around our ship!

Bullwinkle: But we're in a _river _with gators. At least we finally found some water to drink.

Rocky: I think you should be worrying about the crocodiles instead. And they're not alligators.

Narrator: In the previous title, Rocky and Bullwinkle escaped from a trap similar to the one in Bumbling Brothers Circus, in that it was a burning stake. Fortunately a sandstorm blew out the fire, and they escaped unscathed. Or unburned.

Bullwinkle: Sunburned?

Narrator: No.

Fearless Leader: I noticed something about the title for the previous episode.

Narrator: Yeah, what about the title, "Night on Scald Mountain"?

Fearless Leader: The other title to go with it should be "Dance of the Hours".

Narrator: Really? Why?

Fearless Leader: Because Moose and Squirrel only have a few hours to live! Heheheheheheheh...

Boris: Hahahah! You two are doomed for sure!

Natasha: Guess what we named some of them?

Bullwinkle: We shouldn't really care because the crocs are trying to eat us, but what?

Fearless Leader: That one to your left is Ben, the one to your right is Ali, and the scaly fellow who has his mouth open over you is Wally.

Bullwinkle: Are they friendly?

Rocky: Bullwinkle, look out!

Narrator: Hmm, those names sound rather friendly, not to mention familiar. The flying squirrel swoops and snatches him up before "Wally" can snatch him up in a different way.

Boris: You mean in his beeg scary teeth?

Boris points at his teeth for emphasis. One of the crocodiles snaps at him.

Boris: Okay, so yours are scarier. I get it.

Narrator: First you have names for the Pottsylvania Creeper plants, and now these guys.

Fearless Leader: What? Naming minions is fun. Almost as fun as killing Moose und Squirrel.

Narrator: You never accomplished that.

Fearless Leader: Don't remind me...

Natasha: Don't worry, dollink. The crocodiles will do the dirty work for us.

Boris: She's right. We won't have to worry about them escaping from this one.

Fearless Leader: Then how do you explain this, Badenov?

He points out that Rocky and Bullwinkle are safe, and on the other side of the river, across from the villains.

Bullwinkle: Nice to see ya.

Rocky stares at him.

Bullwinkle: Well, not really...

Boris: How... how did you do that? How could you possibly escape from their powerful jaws?

Rocky: I can fly!

Bullwinkle: It's pretty obvious. Even I can figure that out.

Boris: How dare you imply that I'm stupid!

Fearless Leader: I'll have to side with them on this one.

Boris: I'll keel you, Moose and Squirrel!

Natasha: Boris, don't go-

Fearless Leader: Let him go, Natasha. Hehehehheheh.

Boris: If the crocs won't keel you, I will.

Narrator: We runs after them while holding a bomb, because, being Boris, he's obsessed with explosives. Of course, also being not the brightest baddie in the bunch, goes right into the river.

Crocodiles: *snapping sounds*

Boris: Yipe! Owch, that smarts!

Narrator: Our heroes salvage the boat and its treasures while they're preoccupied.

Fearless Leader: We must stop Moose and Squirrel for stealing our dishonestly earned wealth.

Natasha: Shouldn't we help Boris get out of there?

Fearless Leader: No.

Natasha: Please, dollink?

Fearless Leader: ...Fine. Badenov should better appreciate this.

Narrator: They drag Boris out of the river. Surprisingly he has relatively few scratches and bite-marks on him.

Boris: I get blown up by my own bombs all the time, so this is nothing for me. But thanks for the help, guys.

Fearless Leader: You're welcome, but don't mention this to the other Pottsylvanian spies. Ever.

Boris: You've got it, buddy!

Fearless Leader: Why does this stuff always happen to me?

Natasha: Moose and Squirrel stole our stuff.

Boris: Hey! That's _our _job.

Fearless Leader: It's quite obvious what we should do next.

Boris: File a complaint?

Fearless Leader: No, you idiot! We'll have to follow them to the pyramids.

* * *

Narrator: And so they did. Of course, without a mode of transportation across the Nile, the terribly mean travellers have to walk right next to it.

Bullwinkle: That's a long walk.

Narrator: And that's an understatement.

Rocky: I wonder if they can handle the walk.

Bullwinkle: Well, we walked to Missouri on railroad tracks before.

Narrator: That's true. Well, upon checking on their progress, it seems Boris is bringing a pointy stick along with him.

Boris: Back off, wise guys! I've got a pointy stick, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Fearless Leader: I highly doubt a bunch of five metre long crocodiles will be intimidated by a stick.

Boris: But it's working! They're not trying to eet me.

Wally pokes his head to the water surface.

Wally: We prefer to eat fish.

He sinks back into the river.

Boris: That's good to know.

Natasha: What happened to your bomb, dollink?

Boris: Well, the last thing I remember was that I lit the fuse, but I'm not sure where- oh, here it is.

Boris takes a bomb with a lit fuse out of his trenchcoat pocket.

*BOOM*

All three villains are covered in ash and soot from the explosion.

Fearless Leader: Dummkopf! Schweinhund! Schafskopf!

Boris: *thinking* Haha, I can't understand a word he's saying.

They hear sounds from underwater.

Natasha: Did I hear the crocodiles laughing at us...?

* * *

Narrator: Thankfully our heroes seem to be way ahead of those dummkopfs, schweinhunds, or whatever insult that Fearless Leader just said. Eventually they park their boat and look for the tomb. This will surely take a long time to find an unmarked grave.

Rocky: Bullwinkle, we've found it!

Narrator: Never mind.

Bullwinkle: Looks kinda like a tight fit in there.

Narrator: Apparently the tomb has been sealed somehow while they were in Pottsylvania. How will our heroes heroes be able to return the treasures? And will the, uh... what did Fearless Leader say again?

Rocky: Schafskopf?

Narrator: Right! Will the schafskopfs catch up and steal them again? Stay tuned for "Standing Tomb Only" or "Dry Plains Drifters".


	25. Standing Tomb Only

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Standing Tomb Only or Dry Plains Drifters  
**

Narrator: Our heroes seem to be in luck. They have once again found the mysterious tomb, and before the bad guys could get their scheming hands on it.

Bullwinkle: I'm not sure if finding this place is good luck. It looks kind of creepy.

Rocky: Creepy or not, we're going in!

Narrator: The plucky squirrel is eager to return the treasures that Fearless Leader and his goons have plucked from this ancient structure. But Rocky and his reluctant companion are trying to figure out how to get in there, as the tomb was mysteriously sealed while they were in Pottsylvania.

Bullwinkle: Rocky, if you really wanna go in there, even with a scary mummy wandering around, you must be nutty! Uh, no offence, pal.

Rocky: None taken.

Narrator: The very thought of an ancient, as Bullwinkle called it a few episodes ago, "dead guy in bandages", on the prowl, is so scary that it's making them stop dead in their tracks.

Bullwinkle: I dig the pun.

Rocky: That's it!

Bullwinkle: Huh? What's it?

Rocky: We'll _dig_ our way in.

Narrator: They decide to dig a tunnel into the tomb, and they eventually find their way in. Despite Rocky's bright idea, the interior of the place is quite dark.

Rocky: Be careful, Bullwinkle. This tomb probably has a whole bunch of death traps.

Bullwinkle: You mean like a floor covered with banana peels?

Rocky: _Banana peels_?

Bullwinkle: Well, any kind of death trap isn't what I'd call appealing.

* * *

Narrator: After a very long walk along the Nile river, the thieving spies eventually manage to reach the same tomb located in the Valley of the Kings.

While Fearless Leader is examining the tomb for an entrance, Boris and Natasha are sitting in the sand while playing a game of Go Fish.

Natasha: Got any kings, dollink?

Boris: Go feesh!

Fearless Leader: Stop playing around! Badenov, Fatale, help me break down this wall so we can get into the tomb.

Natasha: We would love to, dollink, but there might be a terrifyink mummy in there.

Boris: And it sure isn't my mummy.

Fearless Leader: Fine then. I will leave you two out here to fend for yourselves. Don't blame me when the "mummy" shows up...

Boris and Natasha: We'll go with you!

Fearless Leader: I just knew you'd see things my way.

Boris: Actually, we can't. You have a monocle and we don't.

Fearless Leader: Shut up, Badenov! Now let's go in there and plunder the place.

Boris: Arr! Righto, matey.

Narrator: After Fearless Leader clobbers Boris for acting out an inappropriate pirate impression, they break down the sealed wall. How, you may ask? Well, Boris brought along more explosives for their trip.

Boris: I'm going to put all the explosive stuff I have to good use!

He throws a bomb at the sealed wall.

*BOOM*

All three villains are covered with sand and soot from the explosion.

Boris: ...Maybe I should be more careful when throwink these things.

Narrator: Fortunately, it turns out that none of the ancient walls were really damaged. The sealed part was actually added recently. But who or what did this? Was it Bill Nile the consistently unlucky archaeologist from a while back, or was it the curse afflicting spirits? Stay tuned next time for-

Natasha: This episode isn't over yet.

Narrator: -oh, sorry about that. As I was saying, they're having a hard time exploring in the ghostly grotto as well.

Boris: It's so dark in here! Fearless Leader, can you light up a nightlight for us?

Fearless Leader: Nein.

Boris: Please?

Fearless Leader: Of course not! What kind of evil explorer needs a bloody nightlight? How old are you anyvay, nine?

Boris: Boss, did you say nine or nein? I always get confused.

Fearless Leader: You certainly are. No other spy in the ranks of Pottsylvania would ever request a nightli-

Natasha: I would like a nightlight too, dollink.

Fearless Leader: I should have left you both outside.

* * *

Narrator: Not only do the musty corridors have a significant lack of light, but some of the passageways are quite narrow. This is especially difficult for our famous moose because of his large antlers.

Bullwinkle is temporarily stuck in a narrow passageway. His antlers are caught on both hieroglyphic covered walls of the corridor, and he is attempting to get them unstuck.

Bullwinkle: This kinda reminds me of my study habits when I was enrolled in Wossamotta U.

Rocky: Really? How?

Bullwinkle: I had to do a lot of cramming. What else?

Rocky: Yeah, but you were an all-star football player. Because of that, your most "difficult" course was crocheting.

Bullwinkle: I always got tied up in knots during that course...

* * *

Narrator: After eventually getting unstuck with Rocky's help, Bullwinkle and his pal continue wandering while talking about the questionable Wossamotta U. courses. But they'll really have to worry about the possibility of a walking corpse, also known as a mummy!

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Bullwinkle: You didn't know that? Even _I_ know what a mummy is.

Narrator: Says the moose who kept on taking about his mum every time I brought the subject up.

Rocky: I know what a mummy is. I said "Hokey Smoke" because I can see three of 'em dead ahead.

Bullwinkle: Honestly, Rocky, did ya have to say dead?

Narrator: Three mummies_?_! Oh, no! Now our heroes are in triple terrifying trouble! Stay tuned for our next episode, "Sand by Me" or "Never say Dry".


	26. Sand by Me

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Sand by Me or Never say Dry  
**

Narrator: Last time you remember, our heroic adventurers were having trouble with the dimly lit and crammed in catacombs.

Bullwinkle: Rocky, I think I've got my antlers stuck on the walls.

Rocky: Again?

Narrator: Especially Bullwinkle. For obvious reasons.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, the villains are ravaging the desert ruins. Suddenly, they see approaching figures in the arid, supposedly abandoned place.

Fearless Leader: They must be some bandits trying to muscle in on our treasure raid. Or even worse, they could be meddling Moose und Squirrel. Badenov, Fatale, go after them.

Boris: What if they are ghosts?

Natasha: Or skeleton men?

Boris: Moose and Squirrel could also be right about the mummies-

Fearless Leader: That's it!

Boris: Huh?

Natasha: What's it, dollink?

Fearless Leader: The gullible Moose und Squirrel are worried that a mummy might show up. We can get those meddlers to leave us alone if we scare them away-

Boris: I think I can hear something over there...

Rocky: I know what a mummy is, Bullwinkle. I said "Hokey Smoke" because I can see three of 'em dead ahead.

Bullwinkle: Honestly, Rocky, did ya have to say dead?

Boris: I knew it was those two all along.

Narrator: Sure you did.

* * *

Narrator: On the other end of the passageway, the baddies' bickering is heard by our heroes. But they don't know who or what is actually making the sounds.

Rocky: Huh? I was sure that I heard someone talking...

Bullwinkle: Maybe it was the narrator?

Rocky: The narrator doesn't have three voices.

Bullwinkle: Then it must be the mummies!

Narrator: Bullwinkle walks down the passage to look for the "mummies", but he slips on a banana peel. Just as he predicted in the previous segment.

Bullwinkle: Oof!

Rocky: Are you all right, Bullwinkle?

Bullwinkle: Yeah, but who knew my prediction would be right? I could really make a profit from being a prophet.

* * *

Narrator: This not very terrifying trap was actually set up by Boris Badenov. Before running off into the shadows, he left a banana peel behind for our moronic moose to fall on.

Boris: Moose was begging for it. And _I_ profit from watching the prophet slip up.

Fearless Leader: I think it would have been more fitting to shove him in a sarcophagus.

Natasha: Are you catching a cold, dollink?

Boris: If you are, then gesundheit!

Fearless Leader: I'm fine. What we need to focus on is getting rid of Moose und Squirrel. Luckily I have a plan for that.

Narrator: What's your evil scheme now, you heartless fiend?

Fearless Leader: You must be mistaken. I have a heart.

Boris and Natasha: Really?

Fearless Leader: Yes, but it is hard. Like Badenov's head.

Boris: Thank you for the compliment!

Fearless Leader: See what I mean?

Narrator: Whatever his plan is, it seems to involve Boris and Natasha in disguises.

Natasha: That's not unusual.

Fearless Leader: Badenov, Fatale, could you come hither for a minute?

Boris: You can never be too sure with him, though.

Narrator: Surprisingly, it turned out that Boris managed to bring more supplies for the trip than explosives. A few disguises were available, and as a result, Boris and Natasha are disguised as mummies. Meaning that, of course, they are covered in bandages. Boris is wearing a typical Pharaoh hat, and Natasha is wearing a cone shaped headdress.

Boris: Can I get out of this mummy costume now? This costume is such a tight fit that my legs are asleep!

Fearless Leader: No. This will surely fool Moose and Squirrel. Now shut up or you will _really_ need bandages!

Natasha: But dollink, we have been wrapped up for such a long time... how long have we been in these things?

Fearless Leader looks at his wristwatch.

Fearless Leader: Three minutes.

Boris: That's long enough for me! I'm outta here! When I get to Pottsylvania, I'll give the costume designer a piece of my mind.

He attempts to hop away, but his boss blocks his path.

Fearless Leader: Badenov, you do know how mummies were prepared in Ancient Egypt, right?

Boris: No. How?

Fearless Leader: They would remove the brain through the mummy's nose. You don't have much of a brain, if any, but you get the point, yes?

Boris: ...You know, now I have a strong incentive to stay here in this wonderful disguise. Don't you, Natasha?

Natasha: Agreed, dollink.

* * *

Narrator: After a bit of dead silence, they hear our heroes approaching.

Fearless Leader: They are here already?

Natasha: We don't even have any intimidating speeches prepared.

Boris: I guess we'll have to use ad-libbing.

Fearless Leader: You had better put on a decent performance or else!

Narrator: Fearless Leader spies on them via hiding behind one of the hieroglyphic covered walls.

Rocky and Bullwinkle appear, and they see the "mummies" leaning on the wall that he is hiding behind, since a pair of sarcophagus props would be too heavy to lug around.

Bullwinkle: Gosh, Rocky! We found two dead guys in bandages!

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Boris disguised as a mummy: Bwahahahahaha! I am King Tutanboris!

Natasha disguised as a mummy: And I am Queen Nefertasha, dollinks.

Tutanboris: For stealing all of our valuables, you two are now cursed! So let it be written, so let it be done.

Tutanboris attempts to write a course in a notebook, but he can't reach his pockets because he is wrapped up.

Boris: Oh, curses.

Rocky: You look like Boris Badenov. How do you explain that?

Boris: Uh, well...

Fearless Leader: *whispers to Boris* You said you were good at improvisation.

Bullwinkle: What was that sound?

Fearless Leader: Er, it was the wind.

Bullwinkle: Jumpin' G Horsefat! First there's a creepy voice emitting from a radio, then crocodiles, then mummies, and now another familiar yet creepy voice?

Rocky: Mr. Ghost, or whatever you are, why would there be wind in a tomb that was sealed for thousands of years? With no windows?

Bullwinkle: That explains why it's so humid in here. I'll go open a window.

Narrator: The air headed moose attempts to find a window for some air. He finds the "mummies'" boss behind a tomb wall.

Fearless Leader: Pay no attention to the man behind the wall!

Rocky: I knew it was those three all along.

Narrator: Sure you did.

Bullwinkle: Rocky, who's the monocle wearing guy in a green military uniform? Is he a dead guy, too?

Fearless Leader: I'm not dead, stupid.

Boris: We will be if this curse stuff continues.

Fearless Leader: Stop spouting off nonsense, Badenov. Now go steal Moose and Squirrel's treasures.

There is no response.

Rocky: Um, I think you should look behind you.

As soon as he turns around, he finds out that Boris and Natasha have disappeared.

Fearless Leader: ...Boris? Natasha? Where did those idiots go?

Narrator: What happened to Boris and Natasha? Have they possibly been kidnapped by real ghosts and mummies? Or perhaps they got fed up with the costumes and decided to pay the costume designer a little visit. Be sure to stay tuned for "Two of our Mummies are Missing!" or "An open and Shut Case".


	27. Two of our Mummies are Missing!

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Two of our Mummies are Missing or An Open and Shut Case  
**

Narrator: What a streak of bad luck! Our heroes just ran into the terrible trio. Boris and Natasha were disguised as mummies

Fearless Leader: Now even two of my minions are missing.

Bullwinkle: Don't you mean two of your mummies are missing?

Fearless Leader: Moose, you numbskull! I should shoot you right now, you stupid...

He stops berating Bullwinkle and appears dejected.

Fearless Leader: Threateningly yelling at Boris and Natasha is more satisfying.

Rocky: We'll help you find and rescue them as long as you don't try to kill us.

Bullwinkle: Or steal the treasures.

Fearless Leader: ...All right. But I still think this is an open and shut case of desertion.

Bullwinkle: I know we're in a desert.

Rocky: Bullwinkle, "deserted" means Boris and Natasha could have left Fearless Leader all by himself.

* * *

Narrator: And they did.

Boris: It wasn't easy, Meester Narrator.

Narrator: They're trying to get out of the wrapped up mummy costumes.

Natasha: These bandages are really tight, dollink.

Boris: Yeah, but at least we're not getting sunburned.

Natasha: Do you think that Fearless Leader thinks we were kidnapped or somethink? He might be a bit worried because of the curse.

Boris: You're right! We must never leave a comrade behind.

Natasha: We're going to go back and see him?

Boris: Eh, maybe. But first we need to find the Pottsylvanian costume designers. I have something in store for them...

They walk awkwardly in the costumes past a sarcophagus.

Natasha: Boris, dollink, was that coffin there before?

Boris: Nyet, I don't think it was-

Narrator: Suddenly, a mummified hand reaches out, grabs the dastardly duo, and drags them into the sarcophagus! Then the lid slams shut. I wonder what happened to them...

* * *

Narrator: Our heroes and evil villain have no idea of what happened to the "mummies".

Bullwinkle: Hopefully your buddies will get well soon.

Fearless Leader: Boris and Natasha were supposed to be mummies.

Bullwinkle: Really? But they don't have kids.

Fearless Leader: Squirrel, your friend's stupidity is incurable.

Rocky: Really? I was sure that going to Wossamotta U would help...

Bullwinkle: I learned how to crochet and read "Dick and Jane go to the Seashore". That gave me lots of time to be part of the football team.

Fearless Leader: You were wrong.

* * *

Narrator: While the unlikely group wanders through the corridors, they stumble upon a pair of sarcophagi.

Bullwinkle: Bless you! A lot of people seem to be having colds around here.

Rocky: The narrator doesn't have a cold. He's talking about those two creepy coffins over there.

Narrator: Boris and Natasha, still in their mummy disguises, exit from the sarcophagi.

Bullwinkle: Bless you-

Fearless Leader hits Bullwinkle upside the head.

Fearless Leader: You never learn, do you?

Narrator: However, the dastardly duo appears to be acting stranger than usual.

Fearless Leader: Where were you two_?_! I had to go through harsh hardships to find your whereabouts. Do you know how difficult it is to travel with Moose and Squirrel, our sworn enemies? Not to mention the fact that Moose is a dummkopf like you are, Boris Badenov.

Boris (as "King Tutanboris"): Who is this "Boris Badenov" you speak of? I am the mighty Pharaoh Tutanboris! Be gone, commoner!

Fearless Leader: ...And I thought _I_ was a psychopath.

Narrator: What happened to Boris and Natasha? Why are they suddenly behaving in this strange manner? And will their behaviour lead to them getting fired?

Fearless Leader: Probably.

Narrator: Stay tuned for our next creepy episode, "From Cursed to Worse" or "What the Hex is Going On?".


	28. What the Hex is Going on?

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**From Cursed to Worse or What the Hex is Going On?  
**

Narrator: Boris and Natasha have been acting rather strange recently.

Bullwinkle: I thought that was normal for them.

Narrator: It is. But this time they think they're mummies.

Boris (as Tutanboris): I, the mighty Tutanboris, am outraged! You, the cursed ones, have disturbed my tomb!

Fearless Leader: Oh, you're disturbed all right. I should know, since I am your boss.

Tutanboris: Nefertasha, my beloved queen, who is this man?

Natasha (as Nefertasha): I don't know, dollink.

Narrator: That sudden change in behaviour must have been accompanied by amnesia.

Bullwinkle: Aw, your weird little friends look hurt with all those bandages. Get well soon, guys!

Fearless Leader: They're supposed to be _mummies_. Idiot. Though they are a bit mixed up the the heads.

Rocky: I know how we can fix that.

* * *

Narrator: And so the mismatched trio attempt to use some psychiatry to fix up this issue. Boris and Natasha are seated on psychiatrist couches.

Bullwinkle: Well, actually they're kinda makeshift couches.

Narrator: ...Apparently a pair of empty sarcophagi are used for makeshift couches for this session.

Bullwinkle as a Psychiatrist: Hello, Mr. and Ms... uh, mummy. I'm your new therapist, Dr. M.T. Skull. So do you two have a general feeling of being constricted?

Nefertasha: Yes, dollink.

"M.T. Skull": How about feeling tied up?

Tutanboris: That, too.

Bullwinkle turns and whispers to Rocky and Fearless Leader.

"M.T. Skull": I think we're really making a psychological breakthrough here, guys.

He then continues with their session.

Rocky: That pseudonym sounds familiar.

Fearless Leader: It was my idea.

Rocky: Why did you name him "M.T. Skull" of all names to come up with?

Fearless Leader: It fits Moose perfectly. And I'm resentful that I didn't get to be the psychiatrist...

Bullwinkle: Anyway, I think I can help with your aggressive tendencies-

Tutanboris: You are the one who needs help!

Nefertasha: What should we do to them for stealing our treasure hoard, dollink?

Tutanboris: I'm not quite sure yet...

Narrator: While they ponder about the not so pleasant judicial issue, this gives our heroes and evil-doer ample time to escape from the tomb.

Bullwinkle: Okay, but could you please fill us in on what that archaeologist feller is up to? His name was Bill something.

Fearless Leader: Don't say his name or else!

Rocky: Yeah, right now isn't exactly a good time for that.

Bullwinkle: ...Ooh, now I remember! His name is Bill Nile.

Rocky: We're doomed.

Tutanboris: What? But we didn't decide on your inevitable doom yet. I wasn't listening to the stupid one with the antlers.

Rocky and Fearless Leader both sigh in relief.

Nefertasha: What did you say his name was?

Bullwinkle: Uh, sorry. I guess I wasn't loud and clear enough for ya.

Bullwinkle inexplicably finds a megaphone among the bags of artefacts. He turns it on. Fearless Leader covers his ears, and Rocky holds his head, as his ears are covered by his pilot helmet.

Bullwinkle: The archaeologist's name is Bill Nile_!_! I repeat! BILL NILE_!_!_!_ You know, as in a really long river! Like the famous one outside with the hungry crocs n' gators!_?_

Narrator: As, he puts down the megaphone, his travel buddies are rather disgruntled.

Rocky: Oh, Bullwinkle...

Fearless Leader: Schweinhund! Dummkopf!

Bullwinkle: Are those compliments?

Fearless Leader hits him over the head with the megaphone. Now the megaphone is stuck on his head.

Bullwinkle: I'm guessing that's a no. So did you get the message now?

Nefertasha: You couldn't have been more excessively persuasive, dollink.

Tutanboris: Indeed. We know exactly what to do now. _  
_

* * *

Narrator: After getting Bullwinkle's megaphone off his head, Boris and Natasha, er, Tutanboris and Nefertasha, are somewhat power mad as they carry out the heavily implied punishment, which is throwing the trio into the river to the crocodiles!

Nefertasha: Or to drown. Which ever one happens first.

Narrator: Now they're outside next to the Nile. The three prisoners are held by handcuffs that were in the villains' suitcase, in which Boris previously filled it with explosives and a few other types of spy equipment. But since he is, was, or should be Boris Badenov, he mainly focused on the explosives.

Fearless Leader: He just had to bring the bloody handcuffs.

Rocky: Don't worry, Fearless Leader. I'll think of something to get us out of this sentence, and, um-

Fearless Leader: Now what? Out with it, Squirrel!

Rocky: -sorry. Usually I say this reassuring stuff to Bullwinkle. Talking to you about it is kind of weird for me.

Tutanboris: The short one with the strange hat, the thin man in the green uniform, and _especially_ the stupid one with the antlers will soon cross the river of death! So let it be written, so let it be done!

Bullwinkle: I think they like me best.

Narrator: Will the "mighty Tutanboris" and his "beloved queen, Nefertasha," throw our heroes and villain into the Nile river?

Bullwinkle: Hopefully we'll get well soon from the ordeal.

Narrator: Be sure to stay tuned for our next nerve-wracking episode, "Walk a Crooked Nile" or "A Louse by the River".

Bullwinkle: ...Want a psychiatrist for that?


	29. A Louse by the River

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Walk a Crooked Nile or A Louse by the River**

Narrator: Our heroes have been having rather bad luck lately. After being arrested by Boris and Natasha, who are both having identity crises as they think they are ancient Egyptian rulers, the adventurous moose and squirrel seem to be going over the edge... of the Nile river.

Bullwinkle: What about our new friend?

Fearless Leader: I'm not your "new friend", Moose.

Narrator: Since the identity mishap, King Tutanboris and Queen Nefertasha have not only captured the adventurous duo, but they have also turned on their own boss, Fearless Leader. As a result, he is working with the Moose and Squirrel.

Fearless Leader: I am hoping that this merger is temporary.

Boris as Tutanboris: Oh, it will be temporary all right... when I am finished with these interlopers, I will redesign the Sphinx in my own image! I'll finally be able to put a nose on that thing.

Narrator: The Nile river happens to be filled to the brim with Nile crocodiles.

Rocky: Are they friendly?

Bullwinkle: I doubt it.

Narrator: Luckily for the mismatched trio, just as Tutanboris and Nefertasha are about to shove them in the river, the pseudo pharaohs fall in there instead.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke! We'll have to save them from the Nile crocodiles!

Fearless Leader: Do we really have to?

Rocky: Yes.

Narrator: They quickly drag the duo out of the water. In the meantime the crocodiles just nonchalantly ignore them.

Crocodiles: We just ate.

Narrator: I'm hoping it's just fish, but all right. That's convenient.

Rocky: Are you guys okay?

Fearless Leader: If you are, then you have some explaining to do!

Bullwinkle: Yeah. How can you guys move around in those weird looking casts?

Rocky and Fearless Leader stare at him.

Tutanboris: ...Huh? What happened? Ees that you, boss?

Natasha: Dollink, why are you handcuffed to Moose and Squirrel?

Fearless Leader: Ah, so you two are back to normal. Well, as normal as you could possibly get.

Bullwinkle: Aw, but I wanted to be a psychiatrist and fix their problems...

Rocky: Can you remember anything that just happened recently?

Boris: Not really. The last thing I remember is being pulled into one of those coffin whatsits.

Fearless Leader: You mean a sarcophagus, right?

Natasha: Dollink, you're catching a cold in this type of weather?

Bullwinkle: Rocky's getting it, too. I would just say gesundheit.

* * *

Narrator: After getting the handcuffs off, and Boris and Natasha getting out of the mummy costumes, you would think that the villains would agree to putting the relics back.

Fearless Leader: Vhat? Since when_?_!

Natasha: Um, boss, dollink, usually I'm all for greed and all that, but I think the scary tomb spirits made it pretty clear not to touch their belongings-

Fearless Leader: I don't care if their schtuff is verboten!

Rocky: I don't think they'll ever learn...

Narrator: Apparently the reason why Boris and Natasha behaved even more oddly than usual was because of possession or hypnotism of some sort.

Bullwinkle: You mean you don't know, Mr. Narrator?

Rocky: Maybe you could do your medium act from the séance earlier.

Boris: Don't leesten to Squirrel, Moose! The tomb spirits scared me... uh, I mean they scared my comrades.

Fearless Leader: Scared_?_! Of course not, you liar.

Natasha: I don't know... you looked scared when you saw a skeleton earlier-

Fearless Leader: Oh, put that costume back on and shut up!

Bullwinkle: I'll go get my crystal ball.

Narrator: Bullwinkle heads for the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam to get his crystal ball, but suddenly he falls through the sand! It must be that dreaded curse again...

Bullwinkle: Whoops!

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Narrator: The sorcerer's, erm, medium's apprentice hurries to follow him, but Boris stops the Squirrel in his tracks.

Boris: Are you stupid, Squirrel? You will sink and die.

Natasha: Dollink, we vere planning to keel them anyway.

Boris: Oh, right... go save him, Squirrel!

They here a voice from beneath the sand.

Bullwinkle: I'm fine, Rocky. Really.

Rocky: That's great!

Boris: Aw, phooey!

Bullwinkle: This place is kinda a big sandbox, don't you think?

Rocky: Yeah, I guess so.

Bullwinkle: ...Let's build a sand castle!

Rocky: No.

Bullwinkle: Aww...

Narrator: Rocky attempts to rescue his best friend from the sand pit by using a rope.

Rocky: Technically it's not a rope. These are the bandages from the mummy costume.

Fearless Leader: This will give us ample time to steal their schtuff.

He starts to carry away some of the bags and treasure chests, but Boris and Natasha stop him.

Fearless Leader: Bah! Get out of my way, you treacherous peons.

Natasha: Dollink, maybe you should reconsider?

Boris: Yeah. I don't really want to end up in that costume again...

Narrator: In the meantime, Rocky's rope has slipped, which causes him to fall into the hole. The baddies get tangled in the long wrappings, and they fall in as well with a thud.

*thud*

Rocky: Oh, no! We're going to sink in quick- hey, this isn't quicksand.

Boris: And that's a bad thing because...?

Rocky: Good point.

Narrator: He finds out that they have all landed on Bullwinkle, who is confused from the impact.

Bullwinkle: But I'm always confused.

Narrator: Exactly.

Rocky: The sand must have been actually hiding a secret passageway! I wonder what's in here...

Narrator: I'll bet you viewers are wondering, too. To find out, be sure to stay tuned for our next episode "The Nile of the Dead" or "In the Hall of the Mummy King".


End file.
